The Vag

I can’t do yoga. I get bored. When they tell you to just breathe, I try but then I start to wonder how long I half to do it. Then I open one eye to peak around and see if everyone is doing it. Then I tell myself that I can do it, but then I start thinking that if this is the end of the class, I could leave right now, get some shit done, breathe in the car on my way. Yep.. just can’t. For me it is the pole, S Factor . It changed me as a person and helped me grow. How? So many different ways. You learn that your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of and that we are amazing, beautiful, creatures. Our flaws only add to how exceptional we are. It has introduced me to the most amazing women/friends in my life. We build each other up, empower each other. That positive energy can turn your day/life around. Yes, it is a process and yes, it is a workout. Sometimes it can even be scary and bring you to tears but you grow.The goal is to get out of your head. Be selfish and let it all go. All this from a pole? Kind of..

According to Nicole Daedone, OM (Orgasmic Meditation) can do that for you as well. Is it a cult? S Factor has been called that by some, cross fit has, the reality is who cares. If it works for you, screw everyone else and what they think. This however, comes from a different angle than the pole. That ‘angle’ is in between your legs. The good part is it is all about pleasing the woman. The bad part, is well, you are naked from the waist down and a friend/partner/stranger is wearing latex gloves massaging your clitoris. Okay.. okay.. I know.. Wtf?  But it’s only for 15 minutes, that’s all. Can it be 12 you ask. No, it is 15 and there is no budging on that so if you get only a 10 minute break at work, you are going to have to make other arrangements. I know what you are thinking.. That sort of thing happened to me in high school and it did not in anyway make me a better person. In fact sometimes it just pissed you off. Teenage boys, sticking their fingers in your cooch, not having any clue about what they were doing except the ‘advice’ they heard in the locker room. First shove in one finger, pull it in and out a couple times (cause you know that is exactly what sex feels like), then put in two. Wait! Can I put in three? Jackpot! This girl wants me. That’s a phone call to their friends that night. Ya..no. This is more scientific.

There is like a specific area and movement you must use. Basically, you sit frog legs, lay back, feel like you are at a gyno appointment only the doctor is much more vigilant at examining your vagina. He describes it to you. There is a lot of communicating in this. Lots of sharing. There is no sex and there is no goal, so for all you competitive people, you cannot win this race. You are supposed to focus on the sensations. The tingle in your leg. The grasping of your breath. The feeling in your stomach that makes you want to succumb. The belief is we think of sensations as emotions. There is no emotion in this. It is all about you for 15 mins. You forget about everything else. You don’t have to reciprocate anything to that person. You have no obligation. No need to call him later and say, “I had a really nice time”. The ‘stroker’ is apparently just cherishing being able to witness this amazing transition in front of them. Yes, you may climax. SCORE! but again, that isn’t what it is about. In life we focus so much at getting to the finish, we miss what is happening now. Forget about your thighs. Forget about what media tells us we are supposed to look like while being aroused. Forget about expectations. Surrender and feel. They say that this will transform your life. Your energy, your stress, your concentration, your sex drive, world hunger. Just kidding but one woman did say that she started to notice things in her body on a daily basis that she hadn’t before. She was more in tune. What’s so bad about that! And if you really love it, there are communities! Houses where 50 of them live together and do this on a daily basis. There is one Meet Up group in Colorado with 500 members.

You think this is something you may want to delve even deeper into? You can take a Mastery Program for $7500 or train to become a certified coach! For $15000 or you can go online and sign up for any of the courses, programs, retreats that are offered by One Taste www.onetaste.us Nicole Daedone started this company in 2004. There are now approximately 10 based all over the US. Let me just point out that taking this on can be quite costly (not much of a shocker) but if you can and want to, go for it. If you are still on the fence she wrote a book called Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. It got some decent reviews. No.. I haven’t tried this and I never say never. Personally I feel like if my sex life starts to suck then maybe take a look into this. I am very intrigued with a class she offers called the Ignited Man Course. It is supposed to educate men on how to deal with the empowered/strong/independent women you see these days. I have had a decent amount of men state that this is an issue for them. What role do they play? How do they deal with these women? The level one class is only $495. If you are game to go up to expert, just plop down $995 and you are .. Umm.. No idea. Screwing lots of powerful women? If anyone decides to take this course please let me know what you think. I would really like to hear about that.

Security? Serve and Protect? Ya OK!

Being in that 1% where if it has never happened, it will happen… to me or around me, isn’t always fun. I joke about it sometimes but last night was NOT funny. It was quite the opposite.
It was meant to be a night full of fun and drooling. A way to end the weekend on a high, not with a swollen lip. The place was packed, like over capacity kind of packed. Even standing along the sides you couldn’t move and considering most got to the show drunk, there was moments of tension.

I decided to wait by the side. That way the girls could find me. There was no way they would find me anywhere else. We decided this was the best spot and within 10 minutes we were squeezed in. There was barely any space to hold my beer! Security did what security does. He stood there looking tough, unwilling to be engaged in any conversation and by his facial expressions, making it obvious how much he hated his job. You take the good and the bad so when someone needed to get out of the gated area, we tried to back up the best we could, everyone did, considering there was no where to go. You had to be blind to not see that it might take a minute. Well one man did not see it that way.

I can only say what I saw. It is up to others to share the details. I am not using names, partly because I don’t know a couple, and partly because I think it is up to them to do what they want to do. All I know is, with everyone getting on 50 Shades of Grey, saying it encourages rape and makes it look okay, it’s a movie! Look at my review of the book over a year ago! I mean after Pretty Woman, ladies fantasized about being a hooker, being saved by a rich man and going shopping on Rodeo Dr. They were movies! Bitch all you want but if no one is going to change anything when things happen in real life, how the fuck is complaining about a movie going to influence anyone?
We are standing, the man wants to get out. This guy is obviously pissed. He isn’t security, he has a pass hanging around his neck and not very tall so he must carry some weight to have the attitude he did, being that size. He starts shoving the gate to open, not caring that everyone is trying to move back. He shaking the gate in a fit of anger because you know, in situations like that, it really helps. All of us are looking at him like he’s an asshole (because he is!) Next thing I know I see he hand, from my side view, pass across her face and he rams the gate open. Everyone is furious and shocked. The guy next to me, “Oh my God! Did you see that? He punched her in the face! I can’t believe it”. Girl behind me, “Are you fucking kidding me? He punched her in the face! That’s bullshit!” I’m not talking one or two people, I’m talking everyone around us, everyone saw it and everyone offered to sign witness statements. The women were appalled and the guys were disgusted. I look over and see the weasel walking back towards us but stopping just short. The crowd started yelling at him and he’s like, “I did not punch her. I pushed her away. Grow up Bitch!”, in a British accent. He was even smirking like it was a joke. BTW Dickwad, pushing a girl in the face is not okay as well! Security doesn’t do shit. None of them know who the guy is or wants to get involved. One guy has to leave so I ask for his number. He offered to sign a statement. He looks over at the guy, then the stage, and then was like, “No, I don’t think I can do that”. What? Are you worried you might not be allowed to any of his shows anymore? Worried the band won’t like you? If he is the manager, will he not think you are cool? You would be a bad fan? Wtf! Pussies!

We went to look for someone who could do something. My friends mouth was starting to hurt. It was like she was in a state of shock. Every person we asked who worked there, shrugged their shoulders. They didn’t care, they wanted to part of it. This is a grown man, punching a girl in the face, and not one employee or security guard cared. What does that tell you?! What does that tell this woman, all of us women?

She calls 911 but they don’t come so we approach cops that are monitoring the parking lot. She starts to explain what happened but you can tell by his face he thinks it isn’t a big deal. He explains that taking a statement will take a lot of time and more than likely nothing will happen. She tells him that she has all these witnesses. There is no way it could be said that nothing happened. “Everyone saw him do it”. Cop, ” You know what, I don’t see any marks on your face, it looks okay. I would just let it go.” Okay, I can’t say for sure he said, let it go, but it was along that line. He was sitting there discouraging her. I knew he wasn’t going to do anything. Like I have any faith in the judicial system! I tell her it is probably better to wait until tomorrow (today) when she can speak to someone who will possibly care. That way the shock of it will wear off and she will have a clear mind and know what to do. I also figured the anger would sink in, not just about the guy but also about every other security person/police officers that brushed off the fact that she got punched in the face. A determined woman can be very powerful. She woke up today with a fat lip, gums bleeding.

What is my point? Quit bitching about a movie that is so obviously fake. It’s not real life. Take the money away he is a stalker! An Asshole! An Abuser! And an amateur when it comes to BDSM. It is an insult to that genre. What you should be bitching about is that fact that a girl who was at a show, got punched in the face by a man, with witnesses all around who are willing to sign statements, and every single man there, in a position of “authority”, there to help us, did absolutely nothing! What does that say? What does that say to a young girl who hears this story? Do you think if she ever gets hit by a man she is going to call the police?

Please note that these are NOT fictional characters. They do exist. We just don’t stand a chance with any of them.
I have been exposed to nothing I have ever been through before and I don’t know if I can come back from, or actually if I want to.
I spent an evening with these phenomenal men. Let’s keep it simple (for the men reading this) and call them Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It is best to get Sunday out of the way since we are related. I love, love, love! him, more than beer! but due to that whole bloodline thing…He was a doll all night and made sure I was always okay. A great man he was. My week could not be complete without him. He is Sunday because I always look forward to him. I always enjoy that day and it’s usually full of fun. That is him. That’s my Sunday.
Champagne before a night out? How could I miss that? Absolutely not! The warm welcomes and the politeness of all the greetings, very calming and reassuring. Walking in, immediately a glass is prepared. There is no waiting here. “You look fabulous! I LOVE the shoes!” OMG! ME TOO! Time for introductions.
Let’s talk about Monday. Monday was a handsome man with a bit of a European flair. The chest hair was coiffed perfectly and his confidence lit the area around him. I could picture him in every country walking along a cobblestone path, looking like he had lived there for months. He was smooth but not the fake kind. One of those men that can arrive anyplace on their own and carry on a conversation about anything and everything. He was the teacher.
Tuesday and Wednesday were the welcoming committee. I could not imagine them apart. Tuesday had the sweet ‘Steve Carell’ kind of vibe where he was funny, you might think insecure but actually not at all. He was a joy to be around. I don’t think there is anything he could do that wouldn’t be endearing. Wednesday felt the same. Allowing Tuesday to enjoy the spotlight, looking at him with so much affection. There was no competing with the two of them (ladies!), just mutual respect. Wednesday reminded me of a ‘Bill Gates’ type, only attractive. The business man with the life plan who could build anything from the ground up. I imagined he would have these moments of brilliant ideas and was capable of making all of them happen. He saw each person for who they are and was able to learn something from all of them. He was a sponge when it came to knowledge and having him around, if you needed direction, he would give it to you. I had a feeling that when Tuesday and Wednesday, throwing an event, it would end up the talk of the town. The most amazing evening, you would never forget.
Next came Saturday. Where was Thursday and Friday? They weren’t there yet. I already knew Saturday. We had partied before. LOVE! LOVE! Him! He made me wish I was gay. Absolutely gorgeous and amazingly fit. He had endless energy and always offered a hand to help you down the stairs. He was Iron Man. He was that guy in high school who I wanted to talk to but didn’t have enough courage to approach. Everyone would hang around him just to feed off his zest for life. He made things happen. He was a motivator. Once on a mission, no one could stop him. Saturday was the energizer bunny and rock hard. After observing him for awhile, I noticed, he was a male version of me (minus a few details). He was a flirt, using his body language and coy smile to get people to do what he wanted.. both male and female! He was a dancing machine. Girls love to go dancing and we love when a guy is dancing with us, especially when it obvious they are loving it!
Appetizers of caviar and crackers were offered. “Oops! Your glass is only half full(not half empty),let me top that off for you”. A knock at the door. Could there be more? I mean I was already overwhelmed with the questions being asked. The genuine interest in my responses. Their ability to have lengthy conversations all about me. There was more?
There they were. Thursday and Friday. What a sight. They were so bright I could imagine sculptures of them on display at a priceless museum. Thursday had gorgeous hair and definitely a trend setter. Friday was the all American jock. The blonde hair, the muscular build, the smile that made me want to whiten my teeth. They were the ideal fit. I could tell both were motivated by success. They didn’t seem to have to push each other but would if needed. I felt the urge to ask Thursday for advice, any advice, about my hair, and my clothes. “You are already stunning and I LOVE those shoes! You have an amazing body!” I wanted to jump for joy but felt a little weird. All of these compliments and nobody trying to get into my pants. Could they be telling me the truth? Usually when I meet new people, men in particular, I can be an ‘over the top’ flirt but I was in a new position and wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. They were asking questions about my kids, my website, my goals, my likes and dislikes, what I liked to do in my free time…wtf? I felt a little selfish and almost started to downplay my achievements. Am I a loser or what?
Throughout the night they did these things. I never paid for dinner, always offered a hand to me when walking through a crowd, escort to the bathroom. “Are you okay? Having fun? Would you like to go here? Let me get you a drink.” I felt like I should do something, anything for them but it wasn’t allowed. All they wanted was me and my company. “You walk in those shoes like you own it. I love you”. You know what? I love you.. all of you! Every single one of you! What? Can I come over and do a makeover? HELLO! YESSS! Fitness tips? They had them. My shoulder was sore..it was rubbed, without my asking. When it was time to tip the stripper, money was handed to me. Of course strippers.. This is me remember! Definitely strippers.
It was difficult at times. Someone would look like they winked at me and I would look around, not sure what was happening. Wait..Was he just staring at my boobs? Of course! I should have known. Not everyone here was gay. The employees said they preferred working at these bars. They make more money. Better tips.
I was surrounded by so much love and hugs with kisses. It was the best night ever! I was taken care of. So strange. I never felt like that before. I fell in love with each and every one of them that night.
I am in the jacuzzi trying to avoid making eye contact with the man beside me staring. If I look, he will start talking. Must not look. Shit. He started talking anyways. Thankfully my favorite lesbian couple in my hood walked in and immediately I announced that I wished I was a gay man. I glance at the man beside me. Take that! He is confused and not sure what to do. Good. That will shut him up. “Why would you want to have a dick? They are just in the way.” Hmm.. well I have a bunch of dicks at home already, they just run on batteries. I would have a truckload if they were attached to these men. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand. That was okay though because tomorrow is Monday and I love Monday!

I HATE those Carrot Danglers!

Take a look at my picture. See the ass? See the ass dangling the carrot? That is pretty much how I visualize this category of men in real life..

You know the guy. The guy who has money so he feels he is entitled to being treated better than everyone else. The guy whose ego is so big that it is actually more that an eggshell that I would love to crack and scramble for breakfast. Some are hard boiled, some are so fragile that one tap will fuck them up big time!

This man in particular feels women need to earn his attention. He feels with that much money they should be kissing his ass. Well unless you are putting that money in an envelope and mailing it to me, what do I care!

He will buy them things, but only things he wants. He will expect them to look perfect because he feels he deserves nothing less. Go against his instructions or disagree.. you are out! He also believes you will regret it for years.. but you won’t.

They try to get the elite women but can’t. This woman knows that just because he has a dick doesn’t mean he can be a dick. They know that he isn’t doing them any favors really by taking them to an expensive restaurant and parading them around like he’s the big man. They know that dinner is for him, not them. Unfortunately the women the carrot danglers tend to get the vulnerable ones who are concerned about their financial situation. They are scared and depressed and make the decision out of desperation not for anything else. These men can be very cold. They have no remorse and everything is your issue, not his problem. You must stay away from these assholes. That’s what they are. Play by his rules or you are out of the game. They have no clue about women so I am assuming that her being able to have an orgasm doesn’t happen and you know what? He couldn’t care less, as long as he has one.

He will never financially help you out. As far as he’s concerned, you haven’t earned it and he has so not ever gonna happen. He will require a lot of ego stroking which is exhausting but don’t expect any for yourself. You will only be sufficient not perfect in his eyes. Going out with him is doing you a favor. Anything he does that may seem kind, he expects something back. He will loan his mother money but probably charge her interest. Not a high interest but interest just the same. He will never understand how clueless he is. He will never understand that when women who have even a little bit of their shit together see a very sad man who will end up alone eventually and generally pity him. Most of these men never learn. Have I ever been around this type? Umm.. yes! And I hate that persona and they hate mine. I cannot keep my mouth shut. Especially when someone says stupid shit and pretty much everything out of their mouth is stupid shit. So let’s CHOP! CHOP!  

Let’s chop those carrots and throw them in the food processor and grind them down to nothing. I guess I should have known that I would feel this way. I mean I only really liked my carrots roasted.

                                        Happens all the time. Most of us have been involved with one. It will be one of the hardest relationships to get out of and get over. It will scar you for life.
But if you can get out of it early, that wound will heal and no one will even notice the scar. You will even get over it. If you don’t get out of it early, those scars can last for many, many years. Some of them will never go away. You will feel haunted, unworthy, broken.

It goes back to… If it seems too good to be true, it is.

For some reason it is in a woman’s nature to have some insecurity. Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes it’s not. This is our downfall because when we are “swept off our feet”, we cannot see anything in front of us. Too much dust.

Controlling men, in my opinion (which I have stated many times is not for everyone!) have some text book traits.

Usually the relationship starts out with “passionate” moments that feel like nothing you have felt before. I am using exclamation marks because I don’t believe they are, we just interpret them that way. They move fast and progress quickly. Everyone loves him. He is very charming and loves meeting all the important people in your life. He will introduce you to his. The moving in together usually also happens in the “floating on air” phase. When the sex feels amazing and you can’t get enough of each other. You want to spend all of your free time with him and he wants to spend all of his time with you! (red) You will call each other all the time. Text kisses and I miss you. It will start to be a little more him than you but that’s because he loves you so much. These words also come quickly. He will give you the fairy tale. Talk about your future, getting married, having kids, all those things you dreamed about and thought may never happen. Yes, after meeting a couple male friends of yours he seemed a little bothered but it’s only because he has your best interest at heart. It’s obvious they are interested in more. You just don’t see it because you are so trusting and kind. Lucky for you, he can so you may have a little less contact with them, NOT that he is saying that at all! (passive aggressive). This is okay though because when you are home with him, he treats you like a princess. He cooks your meals (dictating what you eat). He talks about how in the future you will have that luxury of having all day, every day to do whatever you want! He loves your girlfriends also! Such amazing women! Such great friends. It’s too bad that not all of them are as lucky as “we” are to find “true love”. The even better part is he has no problem with spending the evening with you and the girls. Shit.. he even buys rounds of drinks. They love him. He treats you so special. Even when you go to the restroom he is watching you to make sure you get there “safely”. Once you get back, he gives you a big hug and tells you he missed you. Sometimes even says “don’t ever leave me alone that long again!”. I mean LOOK at how much he loves you. He may ask if you know that guy who smiled at you but that’s only because he gets a tiny bit jealous. I mean who wouldn’t! He has told you and made you feel like a goddess and just doesn’t want to lose you. He was burned before so you just need to give him a little time to trust you (set up for future issue). You totally understand and you know what. You believe he is worth it!

If he is financially able, why wait? Quit your job and I will take care of everything. He is even going to pay your cell phone bill. No grief at all (thereby having access to all of your emails and text messages). It might even be better if you cut back a little. I mean, it’s understandable when he is spending his money on you. You both sit down, communicate and come up with an amount you are both happy with. Have you held on to your place? Own anything substantial that you can do without. Perhaps to make this easier, just sell those and maybe lease or buy something cheaper. You are going to be living in his castle, you are going to get married. Just don’t worry about it.

Time for your girls night! YAY! Can’t wait. You both have been looking forward to it all week! Wait.. what? He doesn’t feel well. Okay.. it would be selfish of you to go out without him (even though he says you can and to have a good time) but look at those puppy dog eyes. How can you leave him alone when he’s sick. Time to let the girls know you can’t make it tonight. They understand. Speaking of puppy, guess what? He has a surprise for you! Your own puppy! You and his dog that is just the start of your future of joy and happiness. The only thing is he has to go to work and the dog needs to be potty trained. You may have to adjust your schedule. No time for nails this week or lunch with the girls. In the evening by the fire, you cuddle and give that puppy the cutest name.. together!

Little things have been popping up that are kind of stressing him out. He is working his ass off to support you, in fact everything he is doing is for you! You look forward to that weekend trip you have been planning for months. Yes.. it was going to be an all girls trip but luckily there is room for him. This is exactly what he needs. Get away from everything, relax, jacuzzi and amazing sex. The last few days though he has been a little more irritable. It is probably best to just do everything you can to make everything easier, however the girls keep calling, all excited, asking what time are you going to leave and how many bathing suits are you packing. You are bringing heels right? I will make him his favorite dinner (he’s not cooking anymore?) and ask him afterwards. Timing will be everything. He is having a problem giving you a specific time when you both can leave. He has to get some work done and doesn’t know how long it will take. You completely understand. You will get everything together. Do you think it is bad though? Leaving your brand new puppy this soon?  No! Nope. Of course not. He will be fine. He reminds you to pack his vitamins. You are on top of it! You might not want to pack your 2 piece bikini though, you have put on a little bit of weight.

It’s the day of the trip and he still isn’t home. He must be swamped because he isn’t answering his phone and he always answers his phone. You tell the girls to head out now, like you all planned. You guys will catch up. It is starting to get dark now and still no word.
I’m sorry! I know you are busy and I shouldn’t have left so many messages or called that many times! No! I did NOT want to embarrass you in front of your co workers. I didn’t want to destroy this life you are working your ass off to build for us. I know! I should have just waited. I should have not added more stress on your shoulders. It is totally my issue. I was being selfish. I will never do it again.

Yes.. you know what? It would not be a fun weekend now. It would not be relaxing so yep.. might as well stay home. I will let the girls know. I’m sorry

I am feeling a tad frustrated today. Why you ask? BECAUSE saying hi or showing smile has now turned into him thinking you want to fuck. I can’t even be polite or look happy. They think we are inviting them to bed. Seriously! I am driving on the freeway and I don’t even look at other cars anymore. There could be a man driving who will smile and I might accidentally smile back and boom! He’s following me in my car. It’s true. I can’t even get in a conversation with anyone. It’s like your mouth is saying excuse me (trying to walk by) but he is thinking your eyes are saying I want to have sex with you. I want to yell and ask who the fuck do they think they are.

Now I know what you are thinking. I am always talking about how any man, if they think there is a 1% chance, will try and go for it. I still believe that to be true but please!! I try to keep a sense of humor about it. I really do, but it’s almost to the point that, no it is to the point that, you can’t even say hi. Our only resort is bitch mode. I don’t want to be a bitch. I would like to think that I can sit at a bar and order a drink and if someone says hi, I should be allowed to say hi back. Nope…

Bitch mode makes me want to hold a mirror up to them and say what the fuck? How desperate do I look? Am I that unattractive? Which part of hi said I want you? The WORST!

Recently I had this guy who keeps asking me out and even after him offering to provide me with an iPad if we date (I know, what is wrong with me!) I say no. Every time he is drunk (seems like a keeper) he asks me out again. I mention my kids. His response, “I am so ready for kids, sometimes I just sit and watch birds mating outside my window”. I am 100% serious. I told him that I do not date (which is actually true). I don’t want to date. I don’t want to date anyone. My life is busy and I am happy. I am being straight. I am not playing games. I don’t believe I have left any doubt that I am not remotely interested in him.

The next time I see him (of course he approaches me after some drinks) he comes up to me and proudly announces that he knows everything I told him was a lie. He knows the truth and its okay. I am a lesbian. Are you kidding me? Not that I have an issue with lesbians. There has been many times in the past where excessive alcohol and possibly illegal substances were involved, where I embraced lesbianism. The fact that in his mind there is no reason I would not want to date him. I mean with the lovely stench of cigarettes and pot flowing in my direction and his talking about the fact that he has money, why wouldn’t I want him? I have to be a lesbian!

This is where I try to continue to see the humor in this but after it happens a few too many times, taadaa! Let me introduce you to bitch mode. I am telling you the truth. I had a meeting last week at a local Starbucks. We were discussing business. We wrap it up and they leave. I start to pack up my stuff and someone sitting at the table explains that they couldn’t help but overhear and what was the name of my business so I give them a business card. The other people then ask for cards. This is fine. I am promoting. I come home and get back to work. I am checking emails when there it is. “Hi. I just got your card at Starbucks and I think we should get together and talk, hang out.” What? There was a woman and two men. One man was gay and the other was about 58, bald, overweight, didn’t even look as if he bathes. Geesh! You are thinking, maybe he wanted to discuss business. I try not to assume so I respond with a “talk about what?” I am figuring if he was trying to hit on me, he would have to say so and/or now at least he should gather that I have no interest in him. I never heard back. Yay!

When you go through this a lot you develop plans on how to weed them out. The “I would love to business with you” guy. What are you interested in? How many pieces? Where should I email you the quote? You want to order 500 pieces? Well please email me the design so I can give you a proper estimate. No conversation. No bs. No meetings. Bingo! No response. He’s gone.

They add up. It’s no surprise that there are so many bitches out there. No wonder women act like that all the time. They are sick of it. It’s insulting. It’s condescending and you give us no credit. What the fuck do I care how much many you make? Has the fact that I haven’t fallen at your feet and started giving you a blowjob make you think I doubt what you are telling me. You decide to show me a picture of a wad of cash. Oh gee, thanks. Are you putting it in an envelope and mailing it to me? Then what the hell do I care.

I am at the gate of bitchland and ready to cross over. The really disgusted side makes me want to humiliate these men, in a painfully embarrassing way. It does. I would love to trick the iPad guy into thinking I am buying into his bullshit and when he is naked, laugh at him. Tell him he has a little dick and take his iPad and beat the crap out of him. I want to have Mr. Money man pull out his wallet and rob him. I want to agree to meet the email guy in a public place and make a scene over how stupid he is. I know. I sound like a bitch right?

Well it’s your own fucking fault!

Why are there some women who insist on slamming other women because of their insecurities? Is it too complicated for them to step back and think.. Has this woman ever done anything that would make me think she couldn’t be trusted? Has she screwed me over? Has she been a terrible friend? Has she ever said anything that might give you the impression she is interested in “your” man or anyone else’?
Why? Why? Yes I know. You were fucked over before. Well you know what? We have all been fucked over before! We have all been cheated on at some point. We have all had our hearts broken? Some, not all, have even learned from it. Just because you haven’t is no reason to shoot other women down. Take a look a the woman. Does she seem desperate for a man? Do you see drool hanging on her lip whenever your “man” is around? Do you think your man is such an amazing catch that you have to keep all women away from him by atleast 300 feet? Cause you know how that, ” how are you?”and “I’m good”, can lead to let’s fuck. NO! YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE ISSUE and you are the one who is blowing it. Men don’t see it from the same perspective. They are like, she must have done something to make you bad mouth her. They try to find out what it is since this feeds into some of their penthouse naughty little temptress stories they are hooked on. Instead, when asked you deflect. You have to because you have no valid reason for saying the things you said. Well you need to realize something. Men come and go. Good friends are hard to find and at the end of the relationship (and it will end) who is there for you? It isn’t him. You are intentionally throwing a sister to the curb because you are so paranoid that you can’t help yourself.

If you are worried about him cheating, quit looking at others and look at him. Look at yourself. Where is it coming from? There is already enough catty bitches out there. We don’t need anymore, especially ones who have never shown any inkling of interest in your man. If you are checking his phone, there is a problem. If you have an issue anytime you see him speak more than 2 words to a woman, you have a problem. If you feel the need to in anyway tell him how to live his life and who to be friends with, you have a problem! This will not make sense to a man. He will at some point see that you are a tad overbearing and be out of there. The only person you will have to blame is yourself. If you are with a man who makes you feel that insecure then walk, no even better, run away! That isn’t healthy. We all make mistakes but if we keep making the same mistakes the only person we can get mad at is ourselves. Is it because you are afraid to be alone? That’s bullshit. Then you need to learn to be alone. Do you not feel good enough for him? Well he is in a relationship with you so there must be something you have that he loves. It’s easy to stay in a bad relationship. It takes balls to leave. Where are your cahunas? What are you showing the others around you who look up to you? It’s a load of crap.

Am I annoyed? Yes I am. I have seen this too many times and I stupidly believe that as women age we learn to know better. Wrong! These women are making not only their BFs lives hell but their own as well. Do you think any moderately stable woman would want any part of this? Don’t you think if she did, if she has all this power you believe she does, don’t you think she would be with him? Just think..
Imagine you are meeting your bf at a party and when you walk in you see him talking to a women with a pen and a piece of paper out. What is your impulse? To go and kick his ass? Or to calmly walk up, say hi, give him a kiss, and when he is done, take him aside, ask him what you are in your head and concerned about, and actually believe him. If you do, you are in a good place.

A relationship should add to your life, make it easier, better, you happier. If it isn’t, its time to move on. There is no point. Assuming the worst means you are having some issues that you need to deal with. Women need to build each other up. Not knock each other down. I’m not saying all women are perfect, I’m just saying, wait, listen, decide with a clear head and if you can’t? Leave the relationship because you are not ready. You should never settle for less than you deserve.

Lately anytime I am ready to write a blog about something I make the mistake of checking Yahoo first. There always seems to be a political story or tragic happening that instantaneously changes my mood. My humor and sarcasm get thrown out the door and I am not able to get back to taking things lightly. After some time that passes but I can’t seem to get back to the place I was and so there is no blog.

IT SUCKS! I am going to try something new. This is a real conversation between women. I will not use real names. It could be helpful to men if they take the time to read it but lets be honest.. if it is more than four sentences, they probably won’t. Let me introduce you to Ethel and Lucy (no relation to I Love Lucy)

 Ethel..  I met this guy, an engineer, on this dating site. He only had a few pictures so I asked him why. He responded by sending me a pic of him at the gym, of course!,        with no shirt on. He was all sweaty and muscular. I told him girls like me, who have it all together and are successful, pass on profiles like that because it screams come fuck me. I asked him if that was what he was looking for. Did he just want to play? He said no, he was just looking but mentally not even in a place to be able to have a relationship right now. He’s going through a divorce. I told him to not be that guy that does the selfies like every other guy. I said post pics of you jumping out of a plane or fighting off a bear or something. He told me he was going to remove the picture and that it was what he thought I wanted, the shirtless, sweaty pic. He then removed the pics, sent me some regular, boring pictures and said I hope that will suffice. I haven’t heard from him since.

Lucy..  Lol! Poor guy. He will be scratching his head for awhile now trying to make sense of what he did wrong. If he’s not ready for a relationship than he just wants to fuck around anyways. He should go on Tinder.

Ethel..  I know. I feel bad because he is wondering what he did wrong. I’m sure I could have delivered it a little gentler but I basically said dude don’t be that guy. Everybody is that guy. Be original. But you know what? When I saw the picture he sent me, all half naked, I was like really? You are just like all the rest and it’s annoying.

Lucy..  It was good you told him. He can’t play both sides. He shouldn’t have or look for a relationship anyways. It’s too soon.

Ethel..  He might as well send me a dick pic. Even from the beginning he was telling me how hot women are in uniforms. That’s not what I want to hear. I know I am but don’t tell me that 😉

Lucy..  He was trying to use compliments to get some dirty talk. He doesn’t know what to say or do. He not ready to understand what you told him anyways

Ethel..  He’ll figure out what the single life is like and he will get the young stupid girls that will do the sex texting. Then, one day, he will get the ones like me who will be like, seriously?  Don’t be a douche. It just isn’t my thing. I don’t know if that makes me prudish or mature and wise. His opening was Hi Sweet Love, Hot Woman with an edge. You are sexy as fuck. I decided to just chat and hope. The conversation was actually really good until he sent me the sweaty shirtless photo and then I had to roll my eyes and thought.. another player.

Lucy..  Lol. Part of me would want to fuck with him. The other part would want to insult him.

Ethel..  I guess I sort of did insult him and now he won’t respond to my last text.  I mean, I probably wouldn’t have dated him anyways. He lives far away from me but I was enjoying the conversation.

Lucy..  Don’t beat yourself up. The more he chatted with you, the more confident he got. This was followed by arrogance so he thought he could get away with saying more. He dug his own hole.

Ethel..  I hurt his feelings and made him confused. He feels like he did something wrong.

Lucy..  He will be okay. Trust me. He will chat with his buddies and they will convince him to continue to being an ass (they will say it was you not him). He will keep trying. At a point with his game he will attract those young, hot,  girls he has fantasized about. They will be with him for the drinks and great meals. At some point he will realize that. Then he will hate all women. He will be that guy at the bar who is miserable and bitchy. Never his fault, always theirs. One day he will see people/couples pass him. He will see that some of his “ideas” and “advice” from his buddies was bullshit. All of a sudden it will hit him. He will remember what you said. It will make sense. Orrrrr he won’t and he will be scratching his head and balls all by himself for a very long time.

This may not make sense. This may sound crazy but this is a real conversation. The advice or ideas may be bullshit, and you may disagree. Feel free to comment, make suggestions. I will pass it on to Ethel and Lucy.

PROUD TO ANNOUNCE I AM MOVING FORWARD WITH WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED

For those who don’t know (most!) there is a little more to my story. I have intentionally kept my home life private. One thing that TheAssGirl is about is encouraging people to stop stereotyping. You will notice those are the groups I tend to make products for. The ones that people judge on appearance, sexual orientation, hobbies, etc. I think they should be proud and own who you are. There was many times where you feel like you don’t fit in. I question why do we want to fit in? Why can’t you just be who you want to be and do what makes you happy. No one else in the world is living their life to please you. I have been judged and many times enjoy egging it on. I have a pole in my living room. I love wearing high heels. I can sometimes wear slutty clothes. That’s my choice and you would think by now I would be used to it but I am still sometimes surprised.

“Hey.. So I looked at your website and have been watching you at home and I just don’t see it.” You are assuming I am a non stop drinker who hits the clubs all the time and sleeps with random men. Surprise!

“In your next interview maybe you should talk about other stuff. Let the public see that you are smart.” Why do I have to do that. I know I have a brain. Why should I have to do that. Fuck them

“Your kids need to be spanked. You let them get away with too much and cuddle them too often.” My kids have autism. Do you know how much of a shit I would have felt like if I spanked them? It isn’t under their control.

“Why don’t you let your hair grow so that guys won’t think your a lesbian? Why not show a softer side and tone down your outfits and the way you talk so you don’t scare men.”

Bullying is an epidemic. It permanently changed my kids. It changed who I am. It pushes many over the edge. Kids that are 11 are killing themselves. Talk to any gay or trans person and ask if they were bullied. Ask what they went through and continue to go through. See that quiet kid in the corner keeping to himself? He is the one they will go after. He will go home and not say a word. Slowly he will lose sight of any future. He won’t be able to make the pain go away. Have you ever had your kid tell you they want to die? I have. Have you encouraged them to talk to teachers at their school? Of course. What you don’t know is the school will do nothing and because you encouraged your child to go to these adults for help and they have just swatted him to the side, he doesn’t feel like talking to you about it will do any good. I pulled my youngest from school. See those girls who love to pole dance? No..they aren’t strippers. They are empowered women who have probably at some point been judged and insulted. Look at all those tattoos. She must be someone who gets into lots of fights. He is probably just getting out of jail. Wrong again! It is a form of art and something they love. Even as adults we are bullied. It is crazy and no one is talking about it enough. Go into a mental health unit and you will probably find many who were bullied when they were younger, possibly diagnosed but it doesn’t stop the teasing. Bullying made my sweet, kind son totally defensive. Bullying made my other son hate people. Seeing adults do nothing, seeing kids being picked on. He could pretend to not let it bother him but he saw how it was hurting kids.

Bullying takes the trust in others away from many of our youth. They will go into seclusion. They stop having things to look forward to. Most won’t even talk to their parents about it. I want them to learn to trust again and feel safe, loved. That they can contribute to the world and are needed. Animals, I believe is the key. I want an animal rescue where kids who have been bullied, have been mentally beat down, can come and get built back up. They will work with these animals who are also a bit lost, form a bond, build confidence and be ready to face the world. I also want the people who are “employed’ there to be those who are disabled yet high functioning. There is no place for them in the world. They can’t find jobs. They can’t live on their own. Their parents live in fear something might happen to them because there is no one to take their kid. I want to find their niche and use it at the rescue. They could have their own little houses on the property. In addition, have others come in to work with them on life skills. How to shave. How to do laundry. How to make a bed. How to clean a tub. These are the things that will help them survive in the future. Could even work on socializing skills. Especially with the bullied kids who come in. The more difficult kids, put with the more difficult animals. They will be able to relate. Obviously I do not want anyone to get hurt. That is a given. I am aware also that this is a big dream. I figure if I can atleast create one of these mini towns, then maybe we can make two. Working closely with the parents/parent so that they are a part of it. Encouraging them to not be embarrassed by their child’s behavior. To be okay if they were diagnosed as bi-polar. To help them and their child be who they are and not try to “fit in”. Make it okay to be different.

I have also thought about doing 3 day trips. There are animal rescues that are desperate for volunteers and could use the help. Am I insane? Probably but it can start out as just a few. The point is helping everyone move forward. Right now is the filing for tax free status and I am told I can start soliciting for donations. I have a couple people with me who already have a few animals they have rescued. I am working closely with them on what we can do.

With this, my kids can have a future. A place to live, a purpose and job. And if anything should happen to me, they will be okay because right now, I’m fucked if something happens.

*Nothing I have explained is written in stone. This is all new to me and I am throwing out different ideas and seeing what can stick.

Could our maternal instinct be our Achilles heel?  Think about it. I am not saying it tied to mother’s necessarily, even though historically that is what they say. I am talking about the instinct. There are many women out there who don’t have this. A man can have it. Sex doesn’t mater. I know a lot of gay men that I know have that maternal instinct. That could be why they make great parents, and ex-husbands if they didn’t come out until it was time to end their male/female marriage. I know a few straight men. I can see paternal but maternal is different.

Maternal, I believe is more nurturing. There isn’t that whole, “Throw him in the pool. He will learn to swim” It’s that feeling you have deep inside. That gut feeling that tells you, “I know this is not something they are ready for yet but I will raise them to be capable of it”. It isn’t an in the moment feeling. I believe for a lot of men, they don’t really look past now. That isn’t in their control. They feel like they can’t do anything about that. The maternal feeling, it sees a lifetime. They will look at this child/teen/adult (it never goes away) and see what this human being can be. What they are capable of and they know it, for certain, deep down in their soul. Their life mission is to help this little piece of their heart, see this and learn that they can do it and be a phenomenal human being. It’s maternal instinct.

I am not referring to the above version of Achilles heel. I am not talking about a food or drink. I am talking about a weakness that ends badly and we don’t even realize it’s a problem. It is inside of us. We can’t help it.

Warning I have many bullshit theories. I am always honest about that. None have significant science proof they exist. They are pretty much ridiculous explanations I have come up with in my not so rational brain. I am probably wrong but I am able to speak them with enough confidence in the moment that I can move past the obvious deficiencies and come up with another. Works for me.

It’s that issue many of us have. I have been guilty of it. We meet someone. “Fall in love”. We look at this person with warmth in our heart and see the halo above their head and know this is the one. The problem?

We look at this person and we see what they are capable of. We see how smart they are. We see how they could succeed in this world. We believe in them and know, without a doubt, that they will get there. They just may need a little steering in the right direction and the “right” person to show them they can do it. You want them to see what you see. This is why the ending isn’t like the historical story but another version. It isn’t death but it doesn’t end well.

I think the mistake we make is not seeing who they are at that time. The way they really are. They are adults (not our children) and they pretty much are who they want to be. If they wanted to be more, they would. We end up staying in this relationship for a long time. We hope that they will see it. We do everything we can to help them see it. They never see it. They are usually fine with who they are and can’t understand why you are not. They are exactly the same as when they met you so what is the problem? You loved them then. What changed?

It’s that damn maternal instinct I tell you!! We have to somehow teach our hearts that if they are adults, any sort of nurturing, love, support, constant affirmation, isn’t going to do shit. You are not that secret piece of the puzzle that will help them see the light. It isn’t you that they needed his whole life to help “fix” them or “change” them. You are not that (no offense). You just don’t have that special super power. We spend sometimes years in this relationship. We waste years in this relationship. It doesn’t work.

We just have to try and find a way to shut down that maternal thing when it comes to relationships. Personally, I have tried using baby animals and now, as I stand before you, with two dogs, two kittens, two birds and a guinea pig, I’m not so sure it is the route you should take. I will say that you will be busier and less able to put as much thought as you were about people you meet but like I said before. I am completely full of shit.

It’s how I roll.

Don’t be left clueless at the party!

Welcome to 2016! It is a new year and with every new year comes new lingo. Some of our best day/night times out take place in WeHo. Don’t end up pretend laughing at something you don’t understand or be embarassed by having to ask, what does that mean? When you visit a foreign country, you try to learn the language right?

Let’s start with the basics

Top                                          The penetrator

Bottom                          The receiver

Vers                                           You like both of the above

Slam Piece                           Casual sex    Otherwise known as booty call/fuck buddy/one night stand/tryst/road gig/piece of ass

Fruit Fly                                 A straight girl who loves to gay men

Gold Star Gay                     A gay man who has never slept with a woman

Platinum                                A gay man who has never been near a vagina, he was even born by C-section, zero connection to vagina

FF                                                 Fist fuck

PNP                                             Party and play  Doing drugs and having sex

Unicorn                                   A bi-sexual woman who wants to be in a 3 way with another girl and a guy. They are supposed to not exist, hence the unicorn but I feel pretty confident they do

Size Queen                     Gay man looking for a partner who is basing his choice mainly on the size of his penis. I have one comment… Ditto

Dairy Queen                         A black gay man who loves white gay men

Rice Queen                            Not to hard to guess, a gay man who is into asians

Twink                               A young, gay, hairless, fem boy

Otter                                 A small but hairy gay man

Bear                                  A big, hairy, gay man

Rosebud                           A torn up asshole, literally

Side                                   A gay man who enjoys all aspects of intercourse except anal penetration

Shade                                Making fun of someone and usually they don’t even know it

Kiki                                    A meet up for a laugh, best friends will have a kiki

Spilling The Tea              Spill gossip, share what’s going on. Want to have a kiki and spill the tea?

Pillow Princess               A lesbian who will receive sex and/or oral but won’t give it

Fishy                                 A drag queen who is very feminine

Kai Kai                             Two drag queens together engaging in sexual activity

Clock                                            Can’t quite figure someone out. You can’t clock them

WARNING

Felch                                             Sucking semen out of someone’s asshole and then kissing them with it

I am sure I have missed some so feel free to message me any that you feel should be added to the list.

Still confused? Learning a new language is always tough. Perhaps today, use one in a sentence. Do that every day and pretty soon it will come naturally!

It seems like anymore in society, you can’t say anything right. There is no grain of salt. There is no just kidding. The only person you can joke about or comment about safely, is yourself. Even then you are still opening yourself up to attack. You are passive aggressive, playing the victim, being a bitch. We are surrounded by egg shells and not just at work or play.

My first love was everything it was supposed to be. He was my first everything. Naturally I let him walk all over me. He cheated on me and I still waited by the phone for him to call. He made me feel things that I hadn’t felt before. I put him on a pedestal. He was the first man to pursue me, determined that I give him a chance. It was everything first love was supposed to be.

The breakup happened multiple times. Hearing that he would be at a bar I frequented would make me do extra sit ups, dress sexier, be more confident in his eye line, just wanting him to look and see. It worked. A rollercoaster for four years. Long story short, internet helped to reconnect us. In a conversation I brought up how stupid I was. I put up with his cheating. I couldn’t trust him. The experience shaped who I was then and now and how I saw myself, then and now. I learned that what I perceived happened wasn’t really what happened. Him riding his bike across the city to sneak in my house just to see me, wasn’t to get laid. That girl he cheated with, he never did. She was a family friend. Those times he showed up at the bar, it was to see me. The serious accident he had that put him in a coma, it was my name he said when he woke up. I never knew any of it. I just assumed and I had that in the back of mind in every relationship since then. I help it against men before even knowing them. The relationship that I thought I was an idiot in and he was a pig, it was love and I missed out on it. He wanted to meet but he was married now. As much as I wanted to, I could not break up a family. When I found out he died, I cried for days. I second guessed my decision. I thought about what could have been. I than thought about his wife, going online and finding the emails he sent me. How crushing that would be. There were children. I wanted to take something positive away from the story.

What we perceive isn’t always true. Holding mistakes inside of you and holding them against others, isn’t fair. It was time to start fresh. Look at what they are saying to you. Has this person ever said or done things to hurt you? Were opinions or comments coming from a good place or bad? Until I knew it wasn’t coming from a bad place, I wouldn’t judge them by words they used (even if offensive), suggestions they made (regardless how stupid), and support they gave (even when it was at the worst time). No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. People say and do the wrong things. Is it deliberate?

From that time forward I stopped taking everything so personally. If someone decided to give me advice on my kids or business and it rubbed me the wrong way, I would take a closer look at the person and our relationship. Is it coming from a place where they think they are trying to help? Is it meant to hurt you? Do they have ill feelings for you for one reason or another? Is this who they are? If it was… I could either confront or walk away. This decision was based on whether or not I thought they would see how what they said came across and if that mattered. Would me trying to explain why they hurt me matter? 99.9% of the time it was no. In fact, I told myself to brush it off. Just see that person and know that they are miserable and nothing I say could ever make them change. Just words in the air, floating away. If it was from someone who I knew cared about me, our relationship, I would try very hard not to be offended or defensive. At another time, I would sit and talk to them rationally and honestly. It certainly wasn’t/isn’t easy. I was shocked at how many people around me, after thinking about everything, were trying to push my buttons. It was disappointing to see people I thought were trying to help, were not. It also helped me when meeting new people. I did not want to assume anything about them. It wasn’t/isn’t easy but I have found that I have been surprised by some, happily. That’s a wonderful gift.

I still think about my first love, almost every day. I also think about the guys after him. Did I give them a fair shot? Was I over-reacting? Paranoid? Thankfully, with social media I can take a peak at them and so far I’m feeling like I dodged a bullet. Living and learning never stops. I don’t regret anything as long as I am able to grow from it.