Sexual Myths

Machismo.. Doesn’t that word just scream gold chain, hairy chest, the scent of Old Spice, white socks worn with sandals, speeding by you in an Iroc? Pretty hot huh?

NOT! It also screams arrogance to me and I hate arrogance. It also screams bushy hair to me and I’m not sure why but that leaves a bad taste in my mouth 😉 It does! There is nothing work than gagging on a leftover hair or finding one stuck in your teeth. I beg all you mean out there. Keep that shit pretty. Manscaping is a must. I don’t want to have to wear a searchlight while I’m down there trying to find the prize in the cereal box, ya know?! The prize, when you have to dig for it ends up being some stupid arm tattoo or cheap ass plastic toy. And not the kind of toys I like! The boring toys. The shitty toys. Speaking of which, trim around there too if you don’t mind. For myself I can’t seem to decide. I feel like changing it up. Do I go with the bathmat? Linoleum? Or the shag rug? What do guys find hottest? A little while back a friend of mine found a grey hair down there. I was like, “Do you think that means you’re old or it’s old?” I told her to shave it all off. That would suck.

I learned a few things this month. I learned that they really don’t want you to go to jail. They would much rather you do anything else. Just saying you want to doesn’t cut it. I guess that will have to be taken off my bucket list.

Pills and Alcohol Mix Well

I also learned that not all pills mix well with alcohol. I will leave it at that.

I found a car shop where I can get a great deal on service and not get screwed over. Thank you DVP Automotive!

You know how I will try anything once? Well I went to an AA meeting. Wow! What a crowd! Some so sad..but free coffee and cookies. I couldn’t relate to anybody and their stories but I wanted to really make the most of it so I kept volunteering to read.

Getting to Experience Naughty Nancy

The funnest night this month I had was getting to experience Naughty Nancy (she is on YouTube). She is an awesome character. I love dirty girls and she’s got some big balls on her. Speaking of which, I read in Cosmo that if a guy has big balls it means he has higher testosterone and is more likely to cheat. What do you think about that? I was involved with one guy and his wear like huge..not like gross Cisco Adler huge but still qualified as carry on luggage as far as I was concerned. He cheated. Coincidence? Those things reminded me of the game we used to play when I was younger. That game that us poor people played. Remember getting a long sock and putting a ball in the bottom and swinging it around? Banging it against the wall and it always bounced back to you. Even toss over and under the shoulder! Yep..Are you getting a visual on that? Oh yeah back to Nancy. I went to her show at the Loft in LA, and laughed my ass off! My favorite joke of the night…”Ever notice how the word We spelled backwards is Ew?” They do this comedy night the last Friday of every month and she is the host. I am definitely going to the next one on March 30. I also love that she wore a pair of my boyshorts for the whole show! Oh Ya! and there’s beer! It’s super cheap to get in too! They even let me set up a little shrine for myself.

Donate To Me

I’ve decided I am going to start putting a donate button on each page from now on. Donate? Donate to what? Umm..ME! Wine adds up! And peppermint peckers! And fun toys! And pepper jack cheese (I have to have it with my Big Kahuna Shiraz)! And beer! Oh ya and the kids, rent, food, etc. Who knows maybe someone will be wasted and go for it. I got nothing to lose right? And if you really think about it, it would be like help with Insane Asylum Prevention. That is for sure! Now where is my cheese???
LOOK! I made my own QR Code!

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Truth: NO! I mean hard is great but that whole fast thing..we have a word for you. You are the jackrabbit.

We don’t like the jackrabbit and our neck is sore for the next three days afterwards. How would you like it if I start slapping your dick around. Is that going to feel good? I think not. The catch is also if you are under 30, we believe you are retrainable. If you are over 30, lost cause, we are like a dress on prom night…GONE!

Favorite Phrase

Actually this is one that a few helpful guys at the bar came up with for a tshirt! “Sit on my face and do a burn out“.

They seemed genuinely shocked when I pointed out that I didn’t think women would go for that. Yep.

Photo Mayhem

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Cut men’s number in half and triple the women’s.

Favorite Line:

The only time I believe in the power of attraction is when I buy XL condoms!

Re-gifting a Broken Vibrator

Okay…so I KNOW! I KNOW!  “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date!”. No, I’m not a rabbit but I did own one! No, not the actual animal but the vibrator. No, it didn’t work for me but thankfully I was able to regift it as a Christmas gift. HEY! That thing cost like over $100! and the wife was the one who said she wanted it. Who am I to judge? Just cause it didn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for anyone else. I don’t want to brag but I believe my xmas gift brought that couple (or atleast the wife) more joy and happiness than any other. The gift that keeps on giving. Sigh.. ANYWAYS! I have been swamped! Mother f^*kin income tax (always a joy!), #oddamn kids (always a joy!) , dog got a rash (NOT a joy!) etc. It never ends. Then things got really serious…no big kahuna.

At that point, I am fucked and not in a good way. Tried not to wallow, pulled up my g-string, threw on some 8 in. heels and tried to get my strut on. It has taken me a little longer than usual but I knew it would be more than made up for on the Laughlin Weekend. I ordered stickers and am trying to swing some transfers. Pending any unexpected 3rd degree burns once I attempt to work the heat press, I will be there! Of course, my accomplice seated right beside me. I got my bikini and towel ready (embroidered with the website) and am ready to get down with my bad self. Hopefully, I will see some of you there. Just make sure you introduce yourself because odds are, we will be “tipsy”. Now remember! What happens in Laughlin, stays in Laughlin. Wait? That isn’t the right phrase? Well screw you. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it. So CHEERS! To better days and better lays!

The Truth is it does!

As you know, I was not able to make Daytona so now I am aiming for Laughlin. Anybody have any extra room out there? Had a little car accident with an “asshole” that messed everything up! I have, however, been making my rounds and flashing my ass everywhere.

I LOVE my messages that are being sent to me. SO GREAT! and HYSTERICAL! Feel free to give me feedback on phrases. I’m trying to narrow them down.

I’m also hoping to hit http://www.adultcon.com at the end of this month and going try to hit the after party at Scores. That would be a blast. I have never been there but nothing is hotter than badass chicks on a pole.

Favorite Line

Procrastination leads to masturbation.

The Ask The AssGirl page wasn’t getting anything so I have removed it from my site.

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I’m hoping everyone had a wonderful holiday and didn’t empty their xanax bottle (those babies can be hard to get). I’m still preparing for the AVN/ANE Expo in Vegas.

First Phone Call Rules

Women Are Complicated Beasts

Stereotyping will get you a sandwich!

I am surrounded by morons.

I tried to cling to the hope that not every man is an asshole. I really do! But then, sometimes even after years pass, I discover something and bam! I am kicked in the stomach. I always hoped that, like me, there was a different type of man out there. Perhaps a little quirky but more intelligent than the rest. Someone who didn’t sterotype. Was strong enough to have his own beliefs and stuck with them no matter what society said. I mean, they do that with religion, why not women? Why can’t there be any man out there bright enough to look at a scantily clad woman and say, “oh! she has a rockin body and she totally owns it” instead of assuming she’s a slut (man! I hate that word!) or a woman with chipped nail polish and instead of thinking, “look at those nails, she doesn’t take very good care of herself or that looks trashy”, why can’t they think, “I’m sure she is so busy working or raising her kids that she hasn’t had time for herself. What an amazing woman”. Am I delusional in hoping that there is a surprise out there, waiting to be discovered?

I want men to listen very closely to me right now and some (unfortunately more than I would like) women. I can dress slutty if I want. It doesn’t mean I’m a slut. It means I like provocative clothes and I like to feel sexy. I can sleep with you on our first date if I want. It doesn’t mean I am easy. It means either I want to have sex because you know, women actually like sex! or I am pretty wasted and you will do. You do not have some incredibly charming and persuasive personality that has taken over my brain. You aren’t Mr. Hot Sex Man. You were at the right place, at the right time and maybe you said the right thing. I am trying you out. You are a pair of heels. If you look good but I know that I won’t be able to wear you for hours and days, then maybe you will be my booty call. If you look good and feel good then I probably would like to go on another date with you but if you feel like shit and look like every other type of heel out there, ya.. I’m not keeping you. I don’t need a receipt to return you. I am dropping you off outside the front door of the store and I don’t even care about getting my money back. That’s pretty much how it is and if you make the mistake of stereotyping, well then you are missing out. Someone who judges, stereotypes, lives a very sheltered life. There will be no excitement, a lot of boredom and less people around you because you sound like such an asshole. People like that make no difference in the world.

Think about all those stupid, ridiculous assumptions we make! I can’t even count how many times a man (never a woman) has said that because I have short hair I must be a lesbian. That is when I want to say well let me take a look at your feet, then a spin on the dance floor because I’m sure if you can’t dance, you suck in bed. They are as stupid as they sound. Just because I have a pole in my living room, it doesn’t mean I am a stripper. If I was I wouldn’t need to be working my ass off on this site trying to make money. In addition, if a girl has a booty call, it does not mean she is stupid or useless or a nobody. It means she likes good sex but she knows she would kill you if she had to deal with you regularly. The great thing with booty calls also is that we really don’t worry about those ridiculous things that girls, at the beginning of a relationship worry about. I am not going to sit by the phone in a panic wondering when you will call, whether your voice sounds weird and if you sound like you still like me. I am not going to cry all night if I don’t hear from you. I am not going to call and hang up on you over and over or call and yell at you. I am not going to make an ass of myself when you “break my heart”. I am not going to blame myself if it doesn’t work out. I have a life. Sounds like a pretty good deal doesn’t it? Sounds like I am a pretty smart woman who knows what I want, right? Ya. A woman like this is not someone you can treat like trash. Actually, NO women is someone who should ever be treated like trash.

Women are not easy to figure out and that we don’t all act the same way. These days, women are getting stronger and stronger. The heels are getting higher and we are walking tall and proud. I would not think twice about kicking an idiot guy in the ass with them for judging me and who I am. My only fear these days is that it would be something they are sexually into. I just want some of you to surprise us? Not only with words but with actions and reactions. Is that too much to ask?

Never assume!

It’s Valentine’s Day and my oldest is wallowing around the house, depressed about not having a Valentine. He is the “Never Been Kissed” Drew Barrymore. Still believes that if he could just meet that special someone, he will live happily ever after. No matter how many times I try to explain that relationships are not easy, there is fighting and odds are if he had a Valentine right now, they would not still be his Valentine in a couple years. He just doesn’t believe it and a part of me wishes I was still as naive as he is.

The other part, is thrilled I know better. Let’s be honest. When we were younger, we settled, not that we knew we were doing it at the time. With age comes confidence that we deserve more. We can be happy single. We would rather wait and have someone who makes our life better, not leaves us crying at usually the worst moments. Why are so many teenage girls so desperate for a male/female to show us that we mean something. Why didn’t we know that? It sure would have saved me a lot of wasted tears and bad poetry.

I read an interview with Jennifer Lawrence. She is a successful, young, beautiful actress who you would imagine has it all. She doesn’t. In fact, she stated that no one ever asks her out. She stated that men are mean to her. They try to establish dominance and it is usually by belittling her. It hurts her feelings and makes her feel insecure. Eventually it leads to constant fighting and a constant need for validation. She said that she knows where they are coming from. Personally, I don’t think we should “know” where they are coming from from. It’s making an excuse for someone who is treating you like shit. There is no justification for anyone to make another person, feel that they are less than they are. So does this mean men are also desperate to be seen as a man? Are all of us looking for someone else to make us feel important/wanted/special? Do we have to wait until we hit 30 before we get a clue? It’s one area that I wish I knew then, what I know now.

There was a study that showed that there are 3 characteristics of women that lead to lonliness. It’s a blend of intelligence, beauty and being sexy. These three things arose threat and fear in most men. It was Marlene Dietriech that stated, “The most beautiful women have the smallest chances, of meeting a man”. Could this be true? Would this explain why so many as they enter the 40’s and 50’s are single? Without the confidence at a young age, we settle for less than we deserve. This inevidentally  leads to bad relationships which leads to a point where we are fed up which leads to being 100% comfortable being single and knowing that finding that someone is not required to make us happy. We are sick of crying. We are done hoping. We are going to start putting ourselves first.

Once we reach that point of self confidence, we change and we see that all of us are beautiful. We may not be to everyone we have contact with but that is their problem, not ours. We stop feeling threatened by other women. We want to help empower women who haven’t reached that point yet. We are finally happy being who we are. So… sorry Valentine’s Day but I don’t need you or have to have you to be happy. I am pretty kickass on my own.

I’m sitting here watching this stereotypical movie and it has come to time where the woman interprets something incorrectly. It is making me want to throw things at it. She assumes the worse and the “romantic partner/boyfriend”, will apparently be so stunned by the confrontation, that he is speechless, thereby leaving a huge miscommunication. I am then forced to watch 2 hours of BS before they get it resolved. Why must it be this way? It totally is. It’s imbedded into the female brain and men, once put in the panic zone, start to talk and  just make things worse and worse. Men don’t think before they speak when they are in panic mode. Women, on the other hand, never stop thinking.

We are always prepared for what they might say, could say, want to say, won’t say. There is no way a man can be ready for what he is talking into. Yes.. I said talking into. Why does this happen over and over again? Why can’t we learn from our experiences? I am not only talking about men but women also. It’s this cycle but it’s like a roundabout that you can’t quite time the exit correctly. You see it coming.. you have your signal on… you are ready but once you get to that point where you need to make the move, you fall into rhythm of the driver in front of you. You can’t look away and you just keep driving in the circle. You follow. Big mistake.

It’s hard to make that turn. Why is that? You want to. Everyone at some point wants to but they just can’t. Whether it be outside influences or just sticking with what is familiar, you just don’t, even when you know it will hurt you. Atleast it’s predictable and you are used to dealing with it?

FYI..As always, remember I tend to just go on and I am only speaking out of my own ass, not everyone else’. I’m just frustrated. Men aren’t psychic. Women don’t know everything and the most romantic love stories are the ones where one dies. Take a peak at every Nicholas Sparks book. If one of them lived, they would end up divorced and/or hating each other. One of them has to die. It’s the only way

Bi-Polar.. Very popular right now don’t you think? Seems like all the famous are getting the courage to come out to the point that it seems like a fad. It seems a little unusual since the drugs prescribed aren’t any fun at all.. Even with alcohol. To me, it’s been around forever and it’s just another label, like slut, alcoholc, republican, etc.
Everyone has struggles in life and they are just that, a struggle. Shit we deal with that helps form the person that we are but it doesn’t define us. This is what led me to coming up with one of my latest designs which, like the others, is available for purchase.

Personally, I think everyone can be a little bi-polar, especially women. I am not slamming the diagnosis or calling it bullshit, I am just saying, we can all be a little bit moody. It’s just hat stigma “mental illness”. So much embarrassment and shame. Why?

I can approach this from a self taught medical standpoint which will accomplish absolutely nothing or I can do what I prefer to do with most things that can be a little bit stressful and that is crack a joke. Make light of something that is so heavy. Laughter seems to give people the ability to talk about the “unspeakable”. Wouldn’t it be great to do that with everything?

I have thought about trying this with more taboo things. Would it help?

Schizophrenia is too easy. Nothing easy is fun. You would think considering it is a serious disease, it would be one to distance yourself from. It isn’t. After drinks, my co-conspirators and I come up with some pretty sick and demented things that I could put on clothing but they do walk that fine line. That scary offensive fine line that I like to balance on, atleast on this site. On wwww.theassboy.com , this is where I envision me crossing over at times. As always in a playful way. When you are at a point where you can just not judge and be thrilled for someone who finds their secret to pleasure, no matter how bizarre, than take a peak. It would probably be better to drink as well. Everything is easier to embrace with alcohol. Even a skanky looking chick, right?

Fun title right? Yep.. I was watching some show and they got into the whole “how many people have you slept with?” conversation. This talk never ends well. I use to say whatever amount the girl says, double it and whatever amount the guy says, cut it in half. See! Right there! That’s so wrong!

When I hear someone say that they have slept with 5 people in their lives, I feel sorry for them. Think about it. If they are 40 and started having sex at 17, that means they slept with the same person for 5 years. That’s just sad. First of all, most women, according to research, have never had an orgasm. Odds are not in your favor if it has only been 5 guys. I am talking sex orgasm, not oral. If you have only been with 5 guys, you don’t even know the difference between bad sex and great sex. Great sex can make a woman really stupid…like really, really! stupid. Sometimes that doesn’t happen until they reach their 40s. We realize what we have been missing all along and get pissed. Why would we get pissed? We would because we know that the reason we only slept with 5 guys wasn’t because we only wanted to sleep with 5 guys. We only did with 5 because we didn’t want to be “Sluts”. That stereotype that insinuates that we don’t even like sex or even love sex. Odds are we wanted to sleep with many more men but society and men made us feel ashamed for that. Naturally, when we discover great sex, we become insane. We want to do it all the time. We even let certain things slide that we wouldn’t when we were younger because we are so grateful. That’s just sad and why the fuck do we care??

Grateful? Yes, I said grateful. How pathetic is that. It’s like someone did us a favor. No..no…no.. BAD! I love sex and I have slept with more than 5 men and I can honestly tell you, there is not a lot of great sex out there. I’m not talking about all that making love bullshit. Sorry.. I just threw up a little. I’m talking about fucking. Fucking with a goal, a finish line, a blissful ending, an orgasm! I just think with 5, there is no way you have any idea what great sex can be. Please remember that I am only speaking in a generalized manor and I do tend to spew a lot of bullshit. I’m sure that woman out there who has only slept with her husband and is happy believes, oops, is having great sex. I’m also sure the husband is as well. A good chance it isn’t with his wife but that’s a whole other story, and I don’t believe any man has really ever referred to having bad sex. To them, it’s pretty simple. I mean she can just lay there and he can still get to the finish line. No problem. For men, bad sex, doesn’t exist. I mean I’m sure it does, she could end up having gnats in her cooch hair or something like that, but even then, there will be a few men who will just move it into the shower.

Amber Rose made a statement in the media that she lost count of how many men she has slept with. Sounds okay to me. We only really counted in our teens and early 20’s, after that, who cares. You know what that tells me? She’s probably really fucking good in bed. That’s what it tells me. For fun we could pretend there is sort of a pyramid, like Scientology. LMAO! Once you reach a certain number you get to move up to the next level. The bottom level is those guys you barely remember. The drunken night out with the girls and it’s not like you can tell me that person’s name right now. Right? Maybe we can add a gold crown at the top. I have always wanted a gold crown. That would make it so fun! My opinion is if you only want to sleep with 5 guys, that’s fine, as long as it is YOU that makes that choice not who you think you are supposed to be. I think there should be no shame in loving sex. I look at these questionnaires and laugh my ass off. These women have answered that they have only slept with 3 men. The men answer that they have slept with 20. There must be one really tired (and probably sore) girl out there. Do you get what I am saying?

I believe every woman should (and could) have an orgasm. It’s just finding a guy who has the patience and is willing to figure out how. If it becomes impossible for him, pull out a vibrator while you are having sex, I’m sure that will help her. Don’t look at us with weird eyes that make us feel like we have to lie to you about it, because we will. Sometimes, it’s just to get you to stop. We might be bored or figured out that it isn’t going to happen with him.

My wish for all women, is to have atleast ONE orgasm in their life. Definitely one and not to give up trying.  It will happen and when it does, they will sleep like they have never slept before. The arm muscles will ache from that tense moment it happens. They will know where they want to go and will try their darndest to get there. (ya.. I make up my own words and make spelling errors. Who cares!) What about me you ask? How many men have I slept with? Lol. I will never tell but what I can say is that all my longest relationships started with sex on the first date. #justsayin