How Do I Know When A Girl Wants To Bump Uglies?

Hello Ass Girl,

I seem to have problems detecting when a girl wants to bump uglies with me. I am really shy, and can’t seem to pull the trigger. How do I know – what should I look for? or maybe I shouldn’t care?

Thanks, Michael from Denver

#RatedRaunchy

Dearest Michael,

First of all, I hope you aren’t using the “bump uglies” phrase when you are propositioning the ladies because if so, STOP! We women are a tough one to figure out and YES! you should care. Sex is like food and water. You need it to survive. There are different routes you can take. You could get her really trashed and try to kiss her. If she isn’t interested in you wasted, it’s never gonna happen. Just be careful! I had this gf who got really trashed, we couldn’t find her. She was puking in the bathroom. We finally got her up and out of there and this guy who was hitting on her all night came up to her and planted one. Yes! Right there. Right after she puked. So I would avoid it if she was in the bathroom for a little longer than seemed necessary. Being shy makes it really difficult. Do you have a female wing man? They can come in handy. They can let you know what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. Generally a woman will give subtle hints (unless she’s drinking then not so subtle) that she is interested. Is she making eye contact? Does she look like she is listening to what you are saying? Did she candidly mention she wasn’t wearing any panties? Is she touching herself? No! Not there! Get your mind out of the gutter. If at a bar, I would send her a drink. If she accepts then wait a bit then if she is with friends, a round of shots. Make sure you include yourself in the round. Let them decide what to toast. Walk away and see if she checks you out. If she is looking at you at all, she is interested.
Wait..do you mean you are already making out and you can’t tell if she will go for it? I think if you are at that point, she will. Just don’t let it be in a car or anything. Also,while making out, at some point take control. Gently take her wrists and put her up against the wall. Raise her arms up, still holding them, then throw in some intense kissing, not letting her move. Do this for just a couple minutes, then let her lead. A woman wants a man who “can” take control, not one that “does” take control. This way she knows you have it in you. Also, let her catch you a couple times kissing her with her eyes open. I know we are supposed to close them but subconsciously she will feel better. Seeing you look at her lets her know, you know who you are with. Eyes closed leaves that teeny tiny thread of doubt in her that at some point could unravel like a cheap sweater.
I hope I answered your question somewhere in there. You know how I tend to rant so an elementary education is required for any of my responses. Good Luck!