Basic Rules of Women
I was watching the ending to “Liar, Liar”, where Jim Carrey is riding this stair cart trying to catch up with the plane his ex and son were on and I’m thinking, “This is EXACTLY why men and women have so many problems!”. Here is this sad situation and we are shown a man who accomplishes something amazing that we would have thought impossible. Well you know what? It is impossible! The problem is women watch these movies and even though they say they know it isn’t real life, they don’t really believe it’s impossible. That fairy tale dilemma that every man gets screwed by.
Women… we are complex. Difficult to understand and impossible to make sense of. As long as you tell yourself that going into it, you won’t blame yourself for every screw up you make. These are just a few basic “suggestions” you can follow that can buy you enough time to be able to present the romantic side of you, if you have one.
We always look like we lost weight.. Always! I don’t care if you have just watched us binge on a giant container of ice cream, we do and we always look like we have lost weight. In addition, a wise investment would be a thesaurus. You can’t keep telling us we are beautiful. We will stop believing you. You need to come up with other words. It will impress us since we underestimate most men in general.
If you want to earn extra bonus points, join us or observe us in a workout. The part of the body we work the longest is the part we are most insecure about. This is a great heads up for compliments. If you see her doing extra sit ups and different variations, it’s our stomach. If she seems to be doing more leg lifts than the others, it’s thighs.. That is the best body part to compliment her on. Are you seeing where I am going with this? Yes..
There will be a time where you are having a fight, or in a disagreement and the freeze will be put on. You know, where no calls are answered. Text messages are ignored. It doesn’t matter who is at fault. The main cues are her not responding. Now I know common sense tells you, “I have been texting her all night and morning with no response, maybe she wants to be left alone”. Do NOT think that. That is not the case. It may seem to be the case but it isn’t. This is a test. Don’t stress too much over it since 95% of men fail and actually the 5% that do pass, the relationship doesn’t last anyways. See.. it’s that common sense thing. You have it, you fail. You don’t, well… you will. There will generally be a long gap here where you will take the time to come to the conclusion that she really does need space. She will be thinking you are thinking seriously about the mistakes you made. See the difference. You, give her space. She, gets no message. You.. fail. I don’t care how long or how many times, there is never ever ever going to be a point where the woman wants you to stop trying to make amends or do some impossible love-proving declaration. You must never fall for this. Start texting again and calling otherwise it is going to end up costing you more. She is going to become furious because you didn’t figure it out and the only way you will be able to is by doing/buying something significant.
When in doubt.. apologize. It’s just the easiest and safest way to go. Even if you aren’t sure just say sorry. You can come up with a way to word it where it isn’t obvious you have no clue why she is upset with you. Break out the Thesaurus and use another word. She will linger on that, thinking you thought seriously about what was bothering her since you used such a fancy word. It can work. In addition, when discussing a problem, no matter how cornered you feel, no matter how right you think you are, no matter how crazy her rationale is, no matter hoe exhausted you are, never ever say “Whatever”. You are doomed and on your own at that point. “Whatever” is like saying you don’t give a shit about her, your relationship, anything. You will be screwed and not in a good way.
There is a talent we women have been given. We have this ability to find fault in anything or anyone. You can put perfection in front of us and we can find it. You need to pick up and use this whenever any remotely attractive woman has walked by, particularly if you know you checked her out. We know you checked her out. If you immediately announce a flaw, you are off the hook. It’s that easy. It doesn’t have to be one that anyone can see. We will see it. Don’t worry. Just make sure you get it out there quick and you will be in the safe zone. We might say that you are being too picky but secretly, ya done good!
Do any of these make sense? Nope. Women are a complex, unpredictable but incredibly exciting species. I wish we were less complicated and didn’t put every man into the Richard Gere in Pretty Woman or Officer and A Gentleman role but these BS fantasies have been put in our brain since birth. In storybooks, in movies, everywhere we are surrounded by it. The problem is it is so over the top, you can’t compete with it. We aren’t even aware that we feel/act this way. The worst part.. some boy in fifth grade who they thought they loved and maybe said hi or I like you to, shot them down and humiliated them (in their fifth grade mind), and they are scarred for life from them. I mean we carry that shit for years. It’s amazing the power men have in a woman’s mind.
This is another fun one. We are allowed to call each other Slut, Hooker, Bitch, Tramp. To us, it’s a term of endearment. You, however, are not. If you do, you will detect the laser beam of disgust zooming in on you and feel fear, rightly so.
It isn’t fair, I know. It’s incomprehensible, I know. It’s the biggest pain in the ass ever! I know. But if you want to get in that ass, you need to get there and these are just a few tools to help you. Just remember that there isn’t any pressure, anything you do to fuck up your relationship we will punish the next guy with, so you finally get to say you last longer than we do.
Get it? Good One! High Five!
Just a few.. not all of them
Never a dull moment
Crisis!
Say Something Raunchy