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Penis Observations

  • Seriously? Is that your best line? I need a drink

    Scene

    A pretty girl is hanging out at a bar talking to the bartender, a female friend. The place is happening. There is loud rock music and the sun is shining. Not a cloud in the sky.

    Guy

    Hi. Can I get you a drink? I’m buying my friends a round. My name is….

    Girl

    Of course! I never turn down a free drink. Thanks.

    Guy

    No problem. I haven’t been out in like 20 years. I was raising my daughter. I raised her all by myself. No body helped me. It was all me. She is getting married. I already have the money to pay for her wedding. Now I am saving up for a nice car. I nevver had a nice car. I spent all my money on taking care of my daughter. Not that I have no money. I have plenty of money. I just never had a nice car. I deserve a nice car.

    Girl

    That’s great. Good for you

    Guy

    Ya. It’s been like 20 years. I have no idea how to even talk to women. I spent all of my time raising my daughter

     

  • I Have A Pube-Dick-A-Mint! Any Suggestions?

    pubic fro

     

    I am in a preDICKament. I have a son who seems to shed a lot. I keep finding hair everywhere in my bathroom. I feel pretty confident some of those are pubes and I am not happy about it. I am trying to figure out how to approach the subject. I don’t want them on my floor, counter and toilet. I see them in the shower after they “cleaned” the tub and I just don’t want any part of it. There is something strange about handling your kids pubes.

    back hair

    I know with a regular guy how I would approach it. In my research I have found husbands tend to let that area go when they are married. Not cool. I don’t want to find any hair in my teeth or hack like a cat who has a hairball because one is stuck in my throat.
    Did your wife/girlfriend stop giving you blowjobs? Look down, your laziness to maintain could be to blame. I know you don’t think it’s a big deal but it is. Think of all the manhandling you do, the sweating, and who knows what else!
    For me, I would probably at the moment the forest makes an appearance, look at it and comment that how the hair makes their penis look smaller. I would say it like I am surprised but real matter of fact. Very few men are okay with hearing that their penis is small. If I wanted to have a little fun I could, in the middle of the blowjob start hacking like one is caught in my throat, maybe grab my neck, act like I am choking. I could call a nurse practioner and complain about a scratch in my throat (in front of you) and mention that I did have quite a chunk of hair in my throat and could this be the cause. It would depend on my mood. If we had plans in the evening I could seem bothered with my teeth and then ask everyone if there is a hair in between my teeth. Something humiliating yet funny.

    waxing 40 yr old virgin
    My issue is I can’t do/say any of these things to my kids. I mean, I have never even used the word pubes around them. Isn’t it better not to? I have mentioned hair enough times that they really aren’t getting it. It’s not like I can get a guy friend to have a man to man talk about it. This is a tough call. Having to be the mom and dad is a difficult. I have conquered the masturbation talk, the pornography talk, the sex toys talk, but this one I am a little stuck. Ahh! He took my eyebrow scissors to clip his nose hair. What if he does that? NO!I just don’t know.

     

    removing-pubic-hair_1447192175

    If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to offer it. I know I will find a way but maybe there is a way I haven’t thought of. All I know is I don’t want to find pubes all over.

  • Uncircumcision.. Extinct or In The Closet?

    Let’s touch on circumcision, shall we?

    baby-anteater-11

    Okay.. get your mind out of the gutter. It’s a baby anteater not a penis. Please! Do you find it adorable? Your answer could make all the difference.

    I’m sitting at home, going through emails and in the back I can hear a comedy special starring Amy Schumer. I am cracking up periodically and it helps keep things from being so boring. She brings up uncircumcised men. She mentions how they never give you a heads up (true!) and that once you are surprised with it you wish you could run away. It reminds me of my experience/experiences with the turtle-necked beast. First of all, penis’ really aren’t that attractive. I mean there is a huge and tiny (lol) variety. Some are multi-colored, some are vascular, some are smooth as silk, some turn to the left and some turn to the right. You are not given a heads up on those either so you have to be prepared. The thing that I have found is no matter what it looks like, men have a token answer if they even remotely think you are seeing “this type” for the first time. What is it? They say it with tension in their voice, “It makes sex better”. They explain about their penis being more sensitive than other penis’. They tell you how many women LOVED the curve because it could hit the spot. No matter what…we should apparently be cheering up and down because we have hit the jackpot! Since this is about circumcision, I will only address that elephant trunk in the room.

    Circumcised_and_uncircumcised_penis

     

    Take a look at this picture. I am aware that it is flacid and that once hard they “get bigger” but what I want is to look at it aestetically. I had never seen an uncircumcised penis. I had no idea what was going on. Does the real penis come out? How does it come out? Where does that skin go? Can’t I just make you hard over your pants so I don’t even have to deal with this? How do you give a blowjob? I mean, men love you to tickle the tip with your tongue. Where is it? Can’t even suck on it? What if there is lint under there?
    (Remember I was much younger so that should explain the concerns)
    It kind of looks broken. It sounds silly but I was concerned over whether there could be dried pee that dripped all over it. I wasn’t concerned about that with a circumcised penis. I guess with that little hole, I thought it just came out without a drop. It’s like trying to eat one of those vanilla ice creams on a stick that is covered with hard chocolate. You really want to get to the vanilla so you may lick a bit of the chocolate or peel it off the top and then use your tongue to dig in there. Some of the ice cream is going to to drip down the chocolate part right?

     

    Was the sex different? No. Did it feel better to me? No. Did he seem to enjoy it more than others? Maybe but there could also be other guys out there who do arch their back and kind of swing their head back. I don’t know. It’s not like he would say it sucked. It just seems to me lately, you just don’t see those saggy oldies around as often as we use to. Are their less men uncircumcised? Has the boys change room where buddies make fun of each other made it so boys just don’t want to give anyone fuel for a joke. Telling the other kids how much better sex will be, they won’t buy that. I guess ideally, I would have liked to atleast seen one before. Even if just in a book. I could make friends with it first. Figure out how it works. Practice my facial expression. Nobody likes a surprise when you are getting all hot and bothered, listening to Stranglehold on the radio. It will break your rhythm. It’s like being shot in the face with a dose of reality. I am no longer the star of this Ted Nugent music video. I am back in my head thinking about the homework I have (remember this was a long time ago) Nope. I would have liked to avoid that.

    man-circumcised vs uncircumcised Speaking of shot in the face!

    No wait… that’s a whole other subject.

  • What Will Men Choose? Best Friend or Sex? … SEX! Seriously!

    I know according to medical books, men have balls. I’m just not very confident about that anymore. Yes, I know, there is scientific proof but maybe over time they have shrunk so much and are so little that they are insignificant. It’s the only explanation I can come up with.

    This guy I know got a girlfriend, which is a great thing! But she is (here comes the big shocker) a bit insecure, so no one has seen him since. Gone. Poof! I mean you know how it is when you let your boyfriend out of the house. The first thing they are going to do is not visit friends,have a beer or watch a game. Nope. They are out the door and in a whore.

    Okay.. that is bullshit and lame, although if I was with someone like that I would be head out and never come back. If I wanted to be controlled I would have a collar around my neck with a leash attached. Do you see a leash? I can’t totally hate on her though. She is the stereotypical woman. Insecure, assume the worst and manipulate him with blowjobs. Does that actually work? Hell ya!Throw in some sex and maybe a few toys or if toys aren’t in your budget, move your hips a little.. Yep. He is a goner. Do I take issue with this? Not really. It’s the all too familiar game that has been going on for years. It’s stupid and lame but it exists. The part I take issue with is the ditching the best friend part.

    It surprised me that anyone (who I believed to be an intelligent human being) would cut that rope for sex. Seriously? Is the sex that amazing? Life changing? What is it? It has always been my understanding that a best friend is someone who has been there for you when nobody else has. A person who stands by you even when you’re a jackass. A person who covers your ass even when you don’t deserve it. A person who makes fun of all the stupid shit you do. Why would you ever want to toss that aside, treat it like meaningless garbage. I decided to do some research.

    horny man on all foursman kissing womans feet

    I started asking men around me. Would you ditch your best friend for sex? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM SAID YES! I was like, “Are you kidding me?” I asked, “Even if the sex sucks?” They looked at me like I had spoke Russian and had no clue what I was saying. Bad sex? Is there such a thing? Does it even exist? As a woman I can say that YES! there is bad sex out there and when you find amazing sex, it is such a special gift that you will get stupid and let things slide that you normally wouldn’t. Why? Because amazing sex is hard to find. Apparently it isn’t though according to men. As I looked at each of these men, they started to shrink in front of me. Any of the extra special traits I thought they had started to disintegrate in front of me. I was immediately starting to think less of them. I think I may have even been disappointed in a few. Wtf?

    man preying for sex

    I felt zero sexual attraction for anyone. I felt hopeless. Of course none of these relationships end up “Happily Ever After”. When the fairy tale ends, the Best Friend assumes the queen’s seat beside the King and is his bitch again.

    Trying to look at it from a different angle today I see that maybe to them all sex is good sex. All they want to do really is get off and once that is done, it is mission accomplished. I guess it might not matter how you got there, whether it was a bumping ride, smooth ride or super speedy (you know who you are!).

    There really is only one thing that I guess men should know (just in case). To you, all sex is great. To us, IT IS NOT! It really isn’t! We have categories for the bad sex men, because there are so many of them! We don’t like it. It sucks. It wastes our time. We regret it and beat ourselves up. You are NOT all good in bed. You aren’t. I’m sorry but it’s true. So do us both a favor and don’t get lazy. Don’t think just because you are hard and on your back that you are pleasing your woman. You aren’t. AND don’t forget about oral. It matters. I don’t care if you don’t like it or the taste of it. Have you ever tasted sweaty balls or got a hair caught in your throat? Or had to lick something that taste horrible because you thought since you were running out of time, that instead of showering you would just spray some cologne on your dick and that would be good enough? It isn’t!

    Now Go Hit The Showers!

  • “WHATEVER!” WTF is that supposed to mean?

    Male opinion vs female opinion The winner is….

    whatever1

    “Whatever”. That’s my answer. Now can anyone actually tell me who won? Nope, didn’t think so. Whatever is right up there with the blinking smiley face you receive after a text. It’s saying, I am pretending to hear what you but am really too busy for this right now so I am going to pat you on your head and shoo you away. Was that good for you? Annoying and condescending, right? It depends who you ask.

    I have taught my sons to never say whatever to a woman. Don’t even say it to me. It just has nothing positive about it and leads to nowhere good. I would add that rule to men but most still have no idea why they shouldn’t say it. They repeatedly go in this circle where they say it, she gets annoyed, he asks why and she says something very hostile and stomps out of the room. I have been asking various men to give me their version of what this reaction means. “I have no idea”  ”She left the room so she doesn’t want to talk”  ”Maybe it’s that time of the month again”(again?)  ”She’s being dramatic”
    “Do you think she wants to talk about it?”  ”Absolutely not! If she wants to talk about it she will let me know” (ya right!)
    When I hear a man respond with “whatever”  I want to wring their neck. I want to force their attention away from whatever they are doing or watching and ask them to explain what that exactly what they meant by ‘Whatever’. They can’t come up with an answer…ever.
    What about going after her when she leaves the room and trying to resolve it?  ”That won’t work. Leaving the room means they don’t want to talk about it. They want you to leave them alone”.  Are you sure? Perhaps it was you asking them with an obvious short temper, what their problem was question. You definitely did something wrong and your approach at resolving it was… non-existent.  Oh.. and on top of that, you know nothing about women.
    What is the best way to handle this situation? It really is a touch and go kind of resolution. Think of it as eye surgery. Very intricate, difficult, requiring 100% of your attention. You must be quick to see if something is going wrong and be prepared to try an alternative. Everybody’s’ eyes are different. No two are alike. One method doesn’t work for all of them. Does it seem like no matter what method you come up with to deal with it, it never works? Probably.  What do you do?

    Okay genius, what happens is even when you think you know why, you don’t. When you think you know what to say, you don’t. Even when you think you know what to do, you don’t. This is why you need to  follow my advice. It is for both of you and your sanity. It may not make sense to you but you also think leaving the bathroom door open when you take a dump and talking about it’s color and/or consistency is okay and blowing your nose in the shower repeatedly within earshot of us is no big deal. It is. It’s gross and not something we want to enjoy as we get started on our day.

    whatever

    Never ever think you know women. You don’t. You never will. Even women don’t understand women. This is why I say the best thing to do is to just never say it and accept that you don’t know everything.
    Pick your battles.  This problem can be easily avoided. Just eliminate it from your vocabulary. Focus your energy on the important problems you will have with women like what to say when they say, “How do I look?”  Trust me, that one is even harder to figure out.

  • DoucheBags Cockblock All The Nice Guys

    The DoucheBags Around The World Are Ruining The Chances Of The Nice Guys!

    Instructions: Every time you read the read DoucheBag do a shot

    Now I am not sure if it is technology or not these days but it seems to me that on social media/the internet, the population of douchebags seems never ending. Were they here before or have these cowards finally found a way to make themselves known in a way that.. really doesn’t make themselves known. Hence.. The Coward.

    DoucheBag Report

    DoucheBag Report

    Remember my blog about how my car drives by itself? Well, I finally had a couple people experience it while driving my car so I wanted to file another complaint with the ‘nhtsa’, which I did. When filing I read through all the other complaints about the same issue and it is so similar to the big Toyota lawsuit. I explored other sites. I filed a review on ‘carsrus’. On a couple forum I wrote a post since I had seen others with questions and concerns. There could be a way we could help each other. I wanted to show the people who wrote me and said it was a waste of time to report this, that it wasn’t. I discovered a site www.mustangevolution.com   I looked at a few forums and wrote another post on my problem. I chose TheAssGirl as my username. This way they could easily check and see that I had gone to the trouble of looking into it from a few different angles. Naturally, with that username, I expected to hear dumbass comments from the idiots immediately. It’s a joke but I figure if this is what they need to amuse themselves then go for it.

    This site ended up being a gathering place for chauvinistic pigs from what I can tell. Basically men who like to jack each other off and get that simulated pat on the shoulder from that buddy they have online. This is where they can feed their egos. They can’t get it out in public or from other men with actual faces because those men, even if they think it, would never actually be dumb enough to say it. They actually have a brain and know that it could make “getting laid” a thing of the past. I post my question, with it being a forum, I assume that is the best place to start. I label it Acceleration Problem. Pretty self explanatory. I get the first few stupid comments on my user name that I expect. No biggie. I then get accused of being a “troll” and told that my problem is non-existent. It is the floor mat (which I had already read about a long time ago and proved that was not it) even though if they ever took the time to get off the site and look at others they would notice that it is very existent! I decide to write a follow up figuring this usually eliminates the assholes… it doesn’t work. They then proceed to try to one up each other in witty comebacks.. “You should lay down somewhere, before you fall and stab yourself with a spoon” “Fat Ass Girl”   “Another Camaro owner” (The only one I actually took offense to!)  I had hope for one guy who was actually bright enough (for a moment) to point out, what would be the point of someone making up a question on the site.  Sadly, he succumbed to the other douche bags and felt the need to join the crowd. Was there NOT one mildly intelligent male on this site?  Wait.. could this guy be one? He verified that my website existed and actually wrote something appropriate regarding the question/concern I had. YAY!! There was one! Sadly, even he left once he saw what a pathetic group of people were online (and like always online! Like never off!) I kept getting emails notifying me of responses and I knew this was a lost cause. I have tried every way I can think of and customer service finally responded with, “you cannot remove your profile”. Wonderful. It didn’t state that initially. I continue to receive emails pointing out that there has been a remark. I then was informed that I was starting to  receive numerous spam messages on my website.

    I’m figuring with the maturity level of these douche bags I would definitely put them between 19-25 years old. The latest by one particular male that must be very poorly endowed (it’s the only explanation I can come up with to explain how often he puts remarks, the dumb comments, all trash talk) that says that anyone who wears my stuff is trash. The girls are trash. The clothes are trash. You can take a peak and easily see the douchebags I am dealing with. There is no doubt in my mind that these guys are single and from what they write, have no idea about women. Completely clueless and probably think it’s everyone else with the problem, not them. I have met many douchebags in my life. I do believe the word regained it’s popularity because of these “things”. I feel like I can’t call them boys because I have boys and even they wouldn’t say this lame stuff. They certainly aren’t men.  They are male (according to their birth certificate). Species is debatable.

    DoucheBags

    DoucheBags

    This is the problem that we, women have. We encounter these douchebags and become so disheartened by them that by the time the nice guys come around, we don’t believe it. We become burned out and certain that the other shoe will drop… it’s just a matter of time. Now me, well everyone knows I don’t date.. by choice or maybe because of my “fat ass” according to these morons. Either way, I’m good. I know if I start to date I will meet a couple of these types of guys, maybe online, at a bar or even on the highway (Don’t act surprised. You have no idea how often this happens. Ask your female friends) I will then start to generalize and I don’t want to do that. I really don’t but these types are totally cockblocking all the nice guys. They don’t stand a chance. Why do women date assholes? Because it’s all they know. It’s familiar. Even if they hate it. Take a 40 year old unhappy person for example. They have been that way their whole lives. They are used to how it feels and know what is needed to get through each day. Offer that person a pill (for example) and tell them it will make them happy and everything will be 100% better. Some won’t believe it. Some will try it but only a few will continue to take it. The first couple days will be great but then it becomes scary for them. For 40 years they felt a certain way and now that is gone. They don’t know how to deal with it, it is scary, they will be nervous and then they will stop taking the pill. Why? They know what unhappiness feels like. They know what to do to get through each day. It isn’t scary. They aren’t nervous. It’s safe. It’s like the douchebags. They choose the douchebags and that sucks! For all the nice guys out there.

    What can fix this? I have no idea. I mean I am always honest about the fact that I am completely full of shit. I have these ridiculous theories, that work for me (sort of) but probably won’t work for you. What I do think is that being around douchebags all the time, even coming in contact with them, it’s like a disease. It just keeps getting worse the more you are exposed to them. It destroys the self worth of a lot of women. Women need to know that they deserve the best and they shouldn’t settle for less than that. Even if it’s been a few years, this isn’t a ticking time bomb that is going to explode so you have to drastically reduce your criteria. They are amazing creatures that when walking with their head held high can bring a man to his knees or to tears. They are exquisite. They should be treated that way, every day and know it. This is just my opinion. I could be wrong but these douchebags are making it pretty easy to believe that there isn’t a lot of hope left.

    Ford Mustang

    Ford Mustang

  • Looking for a mutually beneficial relationship? Beard Available!

    Some of us go through our whole lives not sure what we want to be when we grow up. It can change and life’s realities can evaporate your hope. You grow and the people around you change. I want to be a supermodel.. actress..singer..a hairdresser.. Time really does fly by and before you know it, you missed your window. Now what? Let’s go through the ABC’s. A– Alcoholic.. Check B– BiPolar.. Check C– Cheater.. Check Check.. Are you following me? What now? Your life is half way over and now you are mentally prepared to explore what is out there for you. Decide what you think might make you happy. Unfortunately, for most, it is too late.:(

    Jessica Simpson in a beard

    Jessica Simpson in a beard

    WELL NOT FOR ME!!

    I know exactly what I want to be! I want the Barbie dream and if I can’t have that (never much liked blondes anyways..keep walking Ken!) I want to be a BEARD!

    Why does that sound weird to you? Never been married? Trust me, if you have, you will understand. You must try everything once and I have. It boils down to.. What makes you happy?

    High Heel Shoes! Not just boring heels but badass, can do some damage to you if you piss me off, kind of heels. I get giddy and like a schoolgirl going to school the first day of a new year with brand new clothes! I am seriously that thrilled! After shoes.. Gosh.. what comes after shoes?

    Women in general are always insecure. We can always find fault in ourselves. Things we would like to change. We are complex and very few understand us.. except.. the gay man. He gets us. He says all the right things at the right time. He compliments when we need it. When he speaks, somehow it is from the soul. How and why? No idea.

    I have a few people I worship in the gay community. Some for their looks.. some for their abs.. some for their sensitivity and ability to read my mind and accept me for who I am. I love them. I adore them. I believe them when they tell me my shoes are amazing. There is eye contact.. no flinching.. no gas passed and always encourage a little more cleavage.

    What has surprised me is that there are so many that are still very “closed” about their orientation. Does that even sound right? Orientation? I don’t think so. They are gorgeous, successful, wonderful human beings but for some reason do not feel 100% confident about being open about their sexuality. That is where my window of opportunity is!!

    I would LOVE to be a beard for hire! There are going to be family events or business dinners where it would be so much easier if you had a date. There will be times when the ex-wife would be so much easier to deal with and ask so many fewer questions if you just had a GF to be your bumper pad. That is ME! In my heels.. Providing a cushion for the hits.

    Let’s break it down. I am a single mom and I have no desire to get married again. I love dressing up, high heels and dancing. Do you see where I am going with this? I know when to behave and can misbehave when necessary. Life is meant to be enjoyed!

    I checked Craigslist.. No ads for Beards.. or Beards available.. A few places looking for hairy women to model but that’s different.. although the pay isn’t too bad. I just feel like.. I’m an entrepreneur. This is an area I would love and excel in. Of course.. everything is negotiable. I am not looking for Barbie’s corvette but I sure would love her wardrobe!

    Baby with a pipe sporting a beard

    Baby with a pipe sporting a beard

    Ladies Sporting Beards

    Ladies Sporting Beards

  • You Had Me.. Until You Opened Your Mouth
    When you talk it makes it worse!

    When you talk it makes it worse!

    I have this friend right now who is currently in a dilemma. Why is that you ask? Well, because her boyfriend couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

    I am not sure why it is but it seems men in lengthy and healthy relationships have to screw it up somehow. I don’t know if it is ego, okay, it probably is, but after awhile they have to create an issue even when there isn’t one. I believe in a long relationship they start to need a boost. They need to feel that they still got it. The problem is that they generally screw up the relationship they are in while they are at it.

    The male will twist something around in their head to suit their purpose. For example.. My friend was confident in her relationship and trusted her man. They have been through many obstacles and became stronger. There is a lot of travelling separately but this has never caused any problems. Until..

    There is always the nightly phone call but on this night there wasn’t. This is unusual but not terribly concerning. I mean, he is out of town working. There are social gatherings and work meetings, no big deal.
    “Morning baby”. Oh! (*excitement*) “Hey! How are you? How was your night?” Now this is where he blows it. “It was great! I was out, had some drinks, FORGOT ABOUT YOU, and passed out”. Yes. As women, that is the main part we hear. Wtf? Forgot about us? Are you kidding me? We have never forgot about you (Lord knows in my opinion it might be nice to get away with that one. We could get into a lot of fun trouble), no matter how wasted we have got. “What do you mean forgot about me?” Big mistake number two. “Well I was out with AN ACQUAINTANCE (I am highlighting the important parts so that men reading this will understand what women hear) and lost track of time.” I know, right now all the women out there are laughing thinking, what an idiot. We all know that acquaintance means girl, otherwise you would say a man’s name or use the word buddy or something. In addition, because you said acquaintance and not a woman’s name, you are guilty. At this point, you are screwed. It could be a woman you saved from getting hit by a car. You could have performed CPR and brought her back to life. It could be your 90 year old grandmother’s best friend and it makes no difference. You are fucked! At this point, we roll out the questions and because you guys, in general you do not make things super complicated, instead you do a combination of things. You say something without thinking and/or say something without thinking it may lead to another question. You panic! You lie. You can’t help it. It’s instinct. She knows what you are doing. She says simply, “Was it a female you were with?” You side step (another mistake. If you can’t dance, don’t attempt to side step). She won’t stop and will continue to interrupt your BS until you answer and guess what? Here is the shocker! It was!

    Now I sincerely believe that this man wasn’t doing anything wrong. He isn’t a game player. He isn’t an ass kisser. He just doesn’t fit the type but I do think in his mind he convinced himself that his girlfriend can be a little jealous (she’s not) because he is quite a catch (uh huh) and it’s probably better I don’t say anything because it might stir up trouble. Ummm.. actually no. You are wrong and you don’t like that. You need to feed that manly ego of yours and remind her of how lucky she is. Well let me say that she knew how lucky she was. She showed you that by trusting you, sharing with you, being okay with you travelling and not worrying about what you are up to. Now, in one swoop you messed the whole thing up. Boy! Did you ever!

    My advice to her, being that I have absolutely no educational background or legitimate reason to back up why I think this, to not say a thing. Let him stew in it. Let him keep texting and calling and don’t respond yet so that he is forced to think about what has happened and why you could be so upset with him. I think if she answered his call right away, worked it out, for him it will be all over with. No big deal. He wouldn’t be able to understand why she flips out the next time he forgets to call. He will have no idea why now she doesn’t trust him at all. It needs to be on his mind awhile. He needs to really get it and the only way, I think, is keeping him paranoid that he fucks things up. I could be wrong, who knows. It’s just my opinion.

    Realistically.. He should have followed, “Morning Baby” with “I had a few drinks, was chatting with this Cheryl woman I knew from when I use to work in the financial district. We worked in the same office. It’s been years. Anyways, I was exhausted and fell asleep before midnight. Told her all about you”. (Of course, the names and jobs I am using are fictional). His girlfriend would be fine. She has no reason to doubt him. He was honest. He is travelling so it’s understandable that he was tired. Sure, he could have text her but it was not a big issue. “Yep.. I get it. Maybe next time, just text me”.

    He just should have kept his mouth shut.

  • How Do You Know If You are any Good at Oral?

    Loverboy ConcertAbsentmindedness? Not because I am late with my blog. That is too easy and we are talking about me! As you can see I have been on a couple excursions. All very fun ones. I will not allow anything else. Unfortunately, every time I began to write my blog…something kept knocking at my brains door.

    Regret. WHAT? REGRET? That is totally against everything I preach. I KNOW! Wtf? Let me clarify…It goes a little something like this…

    You know how when I get bored in life I will add my own ounce of humor to a situation, that the other party, at times, is not aware of? Well…that is how this came about. I had a couple drinks on a hot day (shocker? NOT!) and was chatting away when a man came up and jumped into the convo which is always a welcomed surprise. He had been drinking, just as I had (another shocker? NO WAY JOSE!) and was amusing. He stated he had a question. What’s up?! Him, “How do you know if you are any good at oral?” He then told me of a couple ladies who are “extremely” happy with his “oral” skills so he is pretty confident but was just wondering. (Btw..you know when I start using quotation marks a lot I have a tiny buzz going).

    Now the fact that he was asking showed me he wasn’t quite as confident as he thought. The fact that he pointed out how many women enjoy his “talents” showed me (in my opinion..fucked up or not) that he probably is a bit of a narcissist and can’t hear, if being told, what he should be doing. So, like the wild animal I can tend to be, smelling weakness (BAD DIANA!) I decide to play with him. Now remember this is for my amusement so not necessarily true. AND remember I am completely full of shit. SO… I know that at some point in time every woman has said to a man, performing oral, “I want to feel you inside of me”. This is not always due to lack of skills. For some, it’s because they can’t get off that way. And others just don’t like it because they know there will be kissing afterwards and aren’t quite there yet. There are quite a few who actually, truly prefer that feeling. I just think everyone has said it at least once, if not a lot more.

    So I reply,”If you suck, they place their hands on the sides of your face and tell you, they want to feel you inside of them.” At the time, I thought it was very funny, not really absorbing the look on his face. I had a couple beers!

    A few days later I was telling a friend about it (while drinking..surprise!) and we were laughing hysterically. We get how funny it is because every woman pretty much says it and he is probably going thru all of his history stored up in his brain, driving himself crazy. I then understand that look on his face. Panic.. Now everytime a girl says it, even if he knows it isn’t true, it will linger there..in the back of his brain..stewing… Like I said..not fair = guilt. Bad Diana! What to do! I must see the big picture.

    Supporting Booty Calls

    You know I support booty calls (B.C.s). They are my longest relationships and serve a wonderful purpose. I usually have a developed, if not in the process of developing a friendship, and great, fun, playful interaction with them. Of course, because I find this amusing, I tell this story to them. The problem? I discover that not only did I fuck that guy, I fucked myself. It was during a playtime situation when I caught myself. “I” say that EXACT SAME line and because I told this guy that story, “I” can’t say that line now. FUK! I have always been smart about covering my ass but not now. Perhaps because I am so used to covering my ass I forgot about the other body parts…ie. my mouth! In general, I don’t think before I talk but if it is going to effect my love life, then I must learn to.
    In the meantime, I shall continue my climb up the concert whore ladder and post a few pics. The “Hit Me With Your Big Cock” boyshorts were a huge hit at Pat Benetar! AND Johnny Depp… Much hotter in person! Thanks Thom for letting me be your escort to that event. Met some amazing people and was definitely one of my Top 10 nights!

  • Warning Warning | Poor Shooter | Ouch My Eye Hurts

    WARNING!    WARNING!

    What is going on? What is with the urgent message? WTF?

    I am sorry to have to interrupt your Friday evening escapades but I received a phone call that was very upsetting to me. A dear friend called me very distraut. She was inconsolable. What happened? She explained…OH NO! Not again! I became frustrated then angry then thoughtful.. Why has this never been addressed? How many women does this have to happen to until someone says something…does something! (lightbulb!)

    Watch Out For Bad Cum ShootersThere is an epidemic going on that I think needs to be brought to the public’s attention. It’s been a problem for years yet no one is willing to talk about it. I think I have mentioned it before but no one seems to take the problem seriously. Too many women have had to deal with this problem privately..hiding in shame..double-locking the door and refusing to come outside.. I have dealt with this myself…Very embarrassing. I think if it hasn’t yet touched your family circle, it has affected one of your close friends.

    Dealing With A Poor Shooter – Getting Cum In Your Eye

    We can’t all be the best at everything we do. We can improve, if we practice and work hard. It is not a “natural talent”. There is nothing more complex than dealing with a poor shooter. We don’t want to be harsh or attack the origin but we also do NOT want it to happen again. A woman’s face seems like a perfect canvas to paint on…correct? Not all of us are artists..some are paint by numbers. When the “shooter” hits the eye..or ends up in the eye…this is NOT a triumph. This is a disaster. Our eye becomes red…throbbing..swollen and incredibly painful. It becomes increasingly worse. This sucks! I think there has to be a way to work this out and save all of the many, silently, suffering women.

    Practice At Home First

    I would like to offer suggestions. Obviously! Practicing at home will help improve anything and everything! If ladies you see this as a “painful” issue, you could, right before, in a sexy voice…maybe mention that above the eye area is fine, the nose is okay, neck is good…pretty much all over the head you can feel comfortable with…. However, the eye area, no can do. TheAssgirl Product TestingIf you are all about eye contact..goggles could be a good idea. Perhaps a safe word would work for you? “Incoming” or “Duck” could work well. This way the special someone could have a heads up. If you are not comfortable with talking about the problem with the shooter, your only choice is to close your eyes and don’t open until it stops. Not real romantic but generally, if this sort of play is happening, romance isn’t part of the equation.

    Please understand…it hurts like hell when this happens. It looks weird and trying to scramble up a bullshit explanation is a total pain in the ass. A mussels shell did what? The pen went where? Just not believable. No time to linger in the bliss..

    This has been a public service/safety announcement sponsored by The Ass Girl.

    For fun..a sneak peak at product testing..behind the scenes!

  • Shipping Men With Small Penises To China | Improves Self Esteem

    Stocking StuffersI have been sitting here trying to figure out a ‘J’ word to go with January. It’s really pissing me off. I have already used jack offs (although I do have a neverending list of stories under that catagory). I thought about “Juggs” or “Jauggernaughts” then I realized I’m not so sure how to spell that so I really shouldn’t try to write about it and the “Juggs” was just to draw people in. Since I already have pics of those then what really would be the point so…How about “Jollies” but that sounded stupid so right now I am just at January…January and ‘f’ the rest of you who expect more. It’s all I got and my brain is still on holiday. Of course this whole holiday thing is a bit confusing anyways over New Years Day being the first but the second things are closed so I am just on shut down all week. Any information can just be forwarded to my answering machine. In addition to the above, my mother is in town visiting and so far both of us are alive so I am being very careful about monitoring my stress levels (pill intake). I was having my usual wine and cheese combo but the “You are an alcoholic looks” were starting to get to be too much so I threw pills into the mix. Makes it all feel less judgmental or maybe makes me care less…either way it works. While all of this has been going on I have decided to try and make a big impact on society as a whole.

    Small Penis Size and Low Self Esteem

    Alot of thought (and wine) has been put into it but I felt it was time to “give back” in a cause that dearly touches my heart. SO this is what I am thinking..Okay, so you know how I am anti “little penis” (nothing personal), well I am thinking we get all of those men together and ship them to China. Why China? I don’t know. Why not? If the rumors are correct than this could be great for their self-esteem. Eventually as time goes on and pro-creation, we could end up eliminating the little pecker people all together and if all goes according to plan, based on my own research with other gfs, we may help cut back on the over population problem across the water as well. Genius? I KNOW! Completely! I can literally change the world..make an impact…inspire vaginas all around the world! Renew their hope in the future and all it can bring! Double AAs move over! There is a new plan in town!

    A tad over the top but isn’t that what the American Dream is all about?

    Time for another bottle

    I took one of those Academy classes and asked about the jail question. AGAIN I got the confused looks! What is up with these people?! The class was fine except they ask you to tell what happened to you and of course after they hear mine they are like, wtf? Everybody had the whole “cops are assholes” catch in their story and I believed all of them. Even the instructor was like, “Yep..they do that shit all the time”. The only one that actually grabbed my attention was the one who was like, ” I don’t remember a thing. I woke up and they told me I got a DUI”. I was actually listening at that point. This lasted only a minute. It kind of is just a little hang out thing..watch tv but then as with all hang out things, problems arise. I explain, honestly and openly about my kids, not thinking they are obviously trying to make these people not drink so maybe not big fans of pills. I get asked alot of questions which I don’t mind, as I am always willing to educate until I get the whole, “Your kids are autistic. My wife is a teacher and she has 3 of those kids in her class that ruin everything. They shouldn’t be allowed to go to school with other kids”. I am thankful I popped a xanax before this and remind myself that in the big scheme of things, this is nothing. It is then followed with the,”Don’t you think kids are over diagnosed?

    Don’t you think medication just hides their problems? Isn’t it just a way of avoiding dealing with their problems? etc” Normally, at this point, I am handing out my address saying why don’t you come over to my place, I won’t give my kids pills and you go have fun “dealing” with them! But again, I tell myself, this is just one moment. This guy has no clue, doesn’t live my life. I need to be understanding. So being the person I am and wanting to change the focus, I have to throw in, “Well you know sometimes I get such bad headaches I have to drink alcohol with my pills to make it go away. Sometimes it even takes a few drinks!”. You want to throw down about this subject? Let’s roll but DON’T EVEN THINK you have a f*&king clue about my kids cause I will bury you! Sorry. A tad hostile there. Time for another bottle. Breathe in and out…I am looking forward to next week. I can’t wait to figure out a way to manipulate my “business” and what I do into conversation. It will be fun! I have a sitter! Happy New Year fellow freaks! Love you all! XO

  • Myth #5: All You Need Is A Big Dick | Not!

    FYI: Just because you have a big dick doesn’t mean you can just lay there

    Well it’s a new month! I’m in a new place and I’m feeling pretty optimistic. Not quite sure why..I haven’t had that much to drink yet but hey..I’m running with it. I’m totally stoked for the Ladies Who Ride Event at Cooks Corner on July 17th. Why? Because I go every year and always have a great time. Whatever happens at Cooks, stays at Cooks (or is floating around somewhere on youtube). I come up with a phrase every year to put on my ass and am currently working hard (drinking) at coming up with this years.

    Ladies Who Ride Cooks CornerIt raises money for Breast Cancer so it’s like charity work. LOL. Going to have some hot girls modeling my boyshorts and tanks in the fashion show. Do you know how hot that is going to be? Mostly S Factor girls so they will definitely be wearing 5 inches or more. What can I say? They feel the same as I do, size matters! It’s gonna be off the hook so everybody better be there!

    I want everyone to send pics of themselves wearing my shit! I’ll post them!

     

    Photo Mayhem

     

  • February Fellatio | A Great Month For Oral Sex?

    I was pretty much 100% in favor of Fellatio this month! Although I think if you took a poll of the men out there they would definitely disagree. I pondered over how and what to say. I felt like if it was what everyone wanted to hear about, I had to give it a shot. Truthfully..I really wasn’t into Shakespeare that much as a kid. We had to read his books but I didn’t fully grasp what they were about so I am not real certain about this Fellatio guy. If I knew which stories to read, I would. I do know there was no Fellatio in Romeo & Juliet.

    Have I told you how much fun I had at the AVN/ANE Expo in Vegas. Nothing like waking up and finding a note in your purse telling you how badass you are and that you must party again soon. There wasn’t any recollection but there was a number. That guy Patron was all over my ass that night and we all know what happens when we spend a whole evening with him! I want to thank my FB friend for hooking me up with that room at Hard Rock. If that hadn’t of happened I would have had to go crash at that 6’9 basketball player’s pad I met and even though he assured me he was wholesome I wasn’t 100% sure about that. I did meet alot of incredible people, funny people. In particular this adorable couple from someplace like Idaho who found out about TheAssGirl thing so they videotaped me, had me pose for pics, asked questions..too cute so when he asked if he could take a picture of his wife and I, I said yes. Then I saw how sweet she was so when he asked the next question..Of course, your wife can hold my boob in the next pic. No problem.

    It was very cool getting to see all the new and upcoming toys coming out, although no vibrator samples which pissed me off. I did get lots of others and I am giving them a try and posting my review. Got asked alot..Are you talent or trade? That was a fun one. Took me a couple minutes to catch on but about the third day I was going with the flow.

    On To Anal Sex And How Much It Hurts

    You know years ago when my ex wanted anal my response was always, let me f^#k you up the ass and then you can f^#k me up the ass. Needless to say, it never happened. In todays times most would be like okay.. Everything has changed. It’s not the same as it was. You can either stay zipped up or go with the flow. I’ve tried to go with the flow. Have you seen all the multi-tasking toys out there right now and how many involve the ass? It is what it is. Some starts to grow on you and some you hate but you still do it. That’s how it was for me in high school. I hated giving blowjobs. HATED! And now, that is the area I excel. I’m serious..love it and kick ass at it so maybe that is what will happen with the asshole..at first not loving it but eventually my favorite thing! In the meantime I would suggest muscle relaxers and alot of alcohol. It works for most! Peace, Love & Soul!
  • March Mini Men | Yes We Are Talking Penis Size

    Okay.. Look.. I know! Where have I been? But we need to focus on something even more important. The mini men.. little penis guys. Now yes, I have mentioned my theory on sending them to another country and only allowing big penis men to pro-create. I can be a bit harsh at times but it all comes from a good place. That place however, wants to feel something.. PLEASE! My gf is in this predicament right now. What to do? “He’s a nice guy”, Of course he is! No man is blessed with everything but I had to warn her. The mini men tend to be cuddlers. That means they are sweet, love poem writing, sleep in the sheets we had sex in and never wash them, kind of guys. Girl stuff. It is best to exit now before you end up slapping him for being such a bitch and get annoyed by the fact that he wants to have phone sex and you realize you can fake real sex but you can’t fake phone sex. You don’t want to lose your temper and say something about mini. It is mean and not necessary. There is a bitch out there who someday will say something horrible about it but because she is such a bitch the guy will be able to not believe it, nor will his friends, because everyone will know she is such a bitch. I know it’s hard to leave mini. So cute and harmless and you just want to brush their hair, let them put you on a pedestal and cook you breakfast. You can’t! They break very easily and fall hard and quick (there’s a joke in there somewhere). You wouldn’t kick a puppy would you?

    Donating Time to The Elderly

    You can see by my pics I have been busy donating my time with the elderly and making shirts because it is that time of year Cooks Corners ! Where the pace picks up and special events are popping up all around you. I am making shirts and undies AND as you may have noticed, you can buy Fleshlight AND FleshJacks from me now, thru my website! Just click and you can turn that dull morning routine into a great wake me up! There is more coming!! But I don’t want to ruin the surprise! You must stay tuned!!

    If You Have a Small Penis – Tipping May Just Get You Laid!

    Woops!  One more thing! It has been brought to my attention that there  seems to be a growing rate of men out there who are bad tippers. FYI.. Women HATE men who don’t tip! And if you hide the receipt, you aren’t pulling the wool over our eyes. We know! It’s almost like an insult to our stereotype like not only were we put in this role of “waitress” (could be translated to stay at home mom) but you aren’t even appreciating it or acknowledging it by giving her a little extra. It’s like, here is my mess, now clean it up and see you later. BS.. You can’t pick up your own dishes and put them in the sink? You can’t even say thank you? Or get off the couch? You see the similarities. This is why when I am out you will see me hovering over men as they pay their tabs. They get paranoid and feel judged so they tip better. I always give them a great big grin afterwards or a little pat to let them know they did well. You must reward good behavior immediately so they know and understand. So basically you tip bad, you get nothing from the women… no respect, no phone number, definitely no sex and she will tell all of her friends about it. It’s just the way it is. Sorry Mickey!

2 comments to Penis Observations

  • dick

    This is, by far, the most retarded thing I’ve ever read.

    • The Ass Girl

      I have always stated that these blogs are just from my perspective and that I am completely full of it in many ways. I point out not to take me seriously because it is all in fun, for fun. I’m sorry my writing isn’t to your liking but I understand. There are a lot of articles and writers that I am not a fan of. Atleast you can safely avoid my website in the future.

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