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I SMILED. WHICH PART OF THAT MEANS I WANT TO FUCK YOU?

animatedI am feeling a tad frustrated today. Why you ask? BECAUSE saying hi or showing smile has now turned into him thinking you want to fuck. I can’t even be polite or look happy. They think we are inviting them to bed. Seriously! I am driving on the freeway and I don’t even look at other cars anymore. There could be a man driving who will smile and I might accidentally smile back and boom! He’s following me in my car. It’s true. I can’t even get in a conversation with anyone. It’s like your mouth is saying excuse me (trying to walk by) but he is thinking your eyes are saying I want to have sex with you. I want to yell and ask who the fuck do they think they are.

Now I know what you are thinking. I am always talking about how any man, if they think there is a 1% chance, will try and go for it. I still believe that to be true but please!! I try to keep a sense of humor about it. I really do, but it’s almost to the point that, no it is to the point that, you can’t even say hi. Our only resort is bitch mode. I don’t want to be a bitch. I would like to think that I can sit at a bar and order a drink and if someone says hi, I should be allowed to say hi back. Nope…

Bitch mode makes me want to hold a mirror up to them and say what the fuck? How desperate do I look? Am I that unattractive? Which part of hi said I want you? The WORST!

Recently I had this guy who keeps asking me out and even after him offering to provide me with an iPad if we date (I know, what is wrong with me!) I say no. Every time he is drunk (seems like a keeper) he asks me out again. I mention my kids. His response, “I am so ready for kids, sometimes I just sit and watch birds mating outside my window”. I am 100% serious. I told him that I do not date (which is actually true). I don’t want to date. I don’t want to date anyone. My life is busy and I am happy. I am being straight. I am not playing games. I don’t believe I have left any doubt that I am not remotely interested in him.

The next time I see him (of course he approaches me after some drinks) he comes up to me and proudly announces that he knows everything I told him was a lie. He knows the truth and its okay. I am a lesbian. Are you kidding me? Not that I have an issue with lesbians. There has been many times in the past where excessive alcohol and possibly illegal substances were involved, where I embraced lesbianism. The fact that in his mind there is no reason I would not want to date him. I mean with the lovely stench of cigarettes and pot flowing in my direction and his talking about the fact that he has money, why wouldn’t I want him? I have to be a lesbian!

This is where I try to continue to see the humor in this but after it happens a few too many times, taadaa! Let me introduce you to bitch mode. I am telling you the truth. I had a meeting last week at a local Starbucks. We were discussing business. We wrap it up and they leave. I start to pack up my stuff and someone sitting at the table explains that they couldn’t help but overhear and what was the name of my business so I give them a business card. The other people then ask for cards. This is fine. I am promoting. I come home and get back to work. I am checking emails when there it is. “Hi. I just got your card at Starbucks and I think we should get together and talk, hang out.” What? There was a woman and two men. One man was gay and the other was about 58, bald, overweight, didn’t even look as if he bathes. Geesh! You are thinking, maybe he wanted to discuss business. I try not to assume so I respond with a “talk about what?” I am figuring if he was trying to hit on me, he would have to say so and/or now at least he should gather that I have no interest in him. I never heard back. Yay!

When you go through this a lot you develop plans on how to weed them out. The “I would love to business with you” guy. What are you interested in? How many pieces? Where should I email you the quote? You want to order 500 pieces? Well please email me the design so I can give you a proper estimate. No conversation. No bs. No meetings. Bingo! No response. He’s gone.

They add up. It’s no surprise that there are so many bitches out there. No wonder women act like that all the time. They are sick of it. It’s insulting. It’s condescending and you give us no credit. What the fuck do I care how much many you make? Has the fact that I haven’t fallen at your feet and started giving you a blowjob make you think I doubt what you are telling me. You decide to show me a picture of a wad of cash. Oh gee, thanks. Are you putting it in an envelope and mailing it to me? Then what the hell do I care.

AssholeI am at the gate of bitchland and ready to cross over. The really disgusted side makes me want to humiliate these men, in a painfully embarrassing way. It does. I would love to trick the iPad guy into thinking I am buying into his bullshit and when he is naked, laugh at him. Tell him he has a little dick and take his iPad and beat the crap out of him. I want to have Mr. Money man pull out his wallet and rob him. I want to agree to meet the email guy in a public place and make a scene over how stupid he is. I know. I sound like a bitch right?

Well it’s your own fucking fault!

 

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